Pour Your Heart Out - #2

On Wednesday's Shell {if you click on the image below you will be taken to her awesome blog} has one of my new favorite carnivals ~ and I'm EXTREMELY early in posting this, but tonight was a night that I absolutely had to........

so if you're reading this post and would like to participate in Pour Your Heart Out, Shell will have it up for linkups Wednesday morning.

I have had my niece Alana for 44 days. For 44 days a mother has been putting something before her own child. For 44 days a child has been without her mother. For 44 days I have struggled with trying to give this child normalcy, structure and love. Things I don't think she's seen very often, because unfortunately most of her life has been spent being tossed here, being tossed there.

I'm writing this after I received the phone call that after 44 days her mom will be coming tomorrow to get her. She's done with her party {for the time being} and is ready to play mommy for a while. But how long will it last? This is the part of taking a child into your home that's the hardest.

I HAVE to put this in God's hands and know that there is nothing I can do at this point. This child unfortunately was born to a girl who should have never been given the blessing of a child. She has no clue what honor it is to be able to love and teach your child. She has no clue what being a mom is all about. To her, when she's tired of playing the responsible role, she just tosses her to the next willing person that will take her in. I'm sad to say that unless rights are going to be signed over to me I will not be this person anymore. I can't be. It's too unstable for her and my family. My children get close and attached and then have to have her ripped from them. 44 days is a very long time in they eyes of a child. Bonds have been made.

I now have to worry about my daughter and how she's going to feel that a member of our family who has become a huge part of our life is ripped from her. Jayden is old enough that he understands that Alana was not here on a permanent basis, but my 2 1/2 year old doesn't. As much as they fought, they got along. Ella will be getting more one on one attention with me, but what about her constant play mate? I've tried to be strong and put a wall around my heart, but tonight I'm sad. I'm sad of what's to come of this precious little girl's life. I'm sad that I didn't fight harder for her. I'm sad that she's leaving the one place in her life that actually had a family feel. Not just a mom, but a dad, a brother, a sister... although we were just aunt, uncle & cousins... but it's the feeling I'm talking about. She got to experience going to church, praying before meals, getting tucked in at night. She got to experience love. And I'm sad to say that what she comes from doesn't shower her with love. Any mom that ever puts drugs and men before their own child doesn't know about being a mom.  

I wish I could give Alana the life she deserves, but for now it's not in my hands.  All I can do is put it into God's.


UPDATE TO THIS CAN BE READ {HERE}