A Sister I'll Never Have

I've never shared the story of the life my siblings have lived. I'm not talking about my dad's daughter's..... I'm talking about the siblings that came from my mom. The siblings I always considered my "real" siblings.... almost like we were full blooded. But we're not, and I've learned that actually means something.

I really loved them, and sadly when they were only 5 & 6 they went to live with their father and I didn't see them until my brother was 12 and then my sister came around again when she was 14. When they came back the weird thing is it was almost like they had never left. I loved them so much and my sister became my best friend.  

The sad thing is that love from her was extremely conditional. She's the type of girl that if you don't agree with her, or piss her off in some way she can go the rest of her life never talking to you again.... and I guess she's okay living like that. I don't have a relationship with her anymore, and sadly it was he said, she said bullshit regarding her oh so wonderful boyfriend. One thing I've tried really hard to do is walk on egg shells around her, even when I don't agree with her decisions.... I keep my mouth shut. Sadly, the inevitable happened and we no longer have a relationship. Not my choice.... her's. Did it hurt? HELL YES! She was my sister and she has chosen to believe crap over what her own flesh and blood says.

I think the funniest thing about her beginning this feud with me is that she in turn went to befriend people that I wasn't getting along with. People she HATED and talked the most insane crap about.... by the way, because I defended them that gave her a reason to distance herself from me. But now we have a new best friendship that's formed and I can't laugh hard enough. I for one know that if I don't like somebody one day I sure as hell am not going to like them the next. She has no identity. Unfortunately her childhood was so screwed up that she doesn't truly know who she is.

My opinions on people don't change like that. If I like you one day, I will probably love you the rest of my life whether you're in it or not. I've never had a friend that I don't consider a friend of mine today. It's the way I've always been. In high school I was choosy on my friends, because once you become a friend of mine I'll move mountains for you..... even if we recently had a stupid spat all it takes is one phone call asking for me to be there and you bet your ass I'm RIGHT THERE! Family, not so much. I'm always there, but I've learned that I actually have to really shield my heart from them. I've never really had to shield my heart from a friend. They've always come in when the whole world has gone out, and that's why friends to me mean so much more. I don't have to walk on egg shells with them. My family.... I do.

So, I know a lot of people have their sister as their maid of honor at their wedding, and I chose not to. I chose the one person who has been solid in my life since I was in preschool.... whether I moved across the country or not, and in my eyes that makes her more a sister to me than my own blood, who is so quick to throw away what I would think is one of the most important relationships you can have.

It's taken me a while to accept the fact that I will never have a relationship with my sister. Her children will never know mine, and my children will never know of her's. I'm not going to teach my children about family that isn't really family.

I'm not perfect. I'm not sitting her saying that I'm any better than Jessica. I've grown A LOT since I was 25 ~ every year I discover more and more about who I am, and what things and people mean to me. Even in the past 6 months I feel like I've grown to just not even care about the b/s that goes on anymore. I just have discovered that life is way too short, and negative energy towards people that I actually love is not worth it. And if they choose to be a part of my life and my children's life then GREAT! But if they choose not to, then that's their deal. I know that I'm a wonderful person who only ever wants to help my friends and family in any way I can. Those who are a part of my world and my life know this, and if you're not a part of my world and my life anymore, then I'm sure you know that when you were that's all I ever was for you.... somebody who you could ALWAYS rely on.

So while I'm not perfect, I'm going to continue nourishing the relationships in my life that matter, loving the people who are in my world, and always praying for those who aren't. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends and few family members that I do have. I do have 2 sisters that come from my dad that I have really gotten to grow to love. I am beyond blessed to have the friends that I do have in my life. Some I've had since I was a little girl, and other's just in the past couple of years... but they are nothing short of amazing.... and you all know who you are.

So, I have to let go... and this rambling post wasn't so much for my awesome readers, but more for me. I needed to get this out and put this to rest. I need to accept the fact that I don't have my sister anymore..... in fact, she's not my sister. I will always love her to death, but that doesn't give her the title of being my sister. Blood doesn't mean anything to me, when you can actually walk away from me. Hell, if it did then I'd actually call the sperm donor guy my dad HAHA.... that'll NEVER happen!

Pour Your Heart Out - Norm's Passing

This post is a weird one... I didn't write all I wanted to, and maybe put things in it that I didn't want to.

When I was 6 a man entered my family's life that would forever change it. The sad thing is I don't have the best of memories about him. He was actually a mean, miserable old man that was obsessed with working. He ruined holidays and made things down right miserable. He was wealthy and stingy and gave to strangers before family. Things I never truly understood, but he wasn't put on this earth for me to understand. He was my Grandma's husband.

But as I grew older I appreciated him more and the things that he had done for me. I even asked him to walk me down the aisle at my wedding, because what other constant man did I have in my life? I know that it meant a lot to him to be able to give me away.

I remember when I was young... like junior high or younger young and my uncle Bryane was graduating from high school. We had made a comment about how amazing it would be if Norm was still alive when I graduated high school. He was diagnosed with leukemia many years ago, even before my grandma and him got married. He's cheated death more times than I ever imagined anybody would, and lived a very long 86 years of life. He died a death that was miserable and definitely not something that I would ever wish on anyone. Cancer ate away his body and money ate away his soul.

In his final years I spent a lot of time with him.  He actually came to Oregon last summer (ack I believe ~ may have been the summer before....see where my mind is going?!) He stayed about a mile away from me in a retirement community and I definitely enjoyed my time with him.  I would pick him up and go out to dinner, always Olive Garden {a family favorite} and would go rub lotion on his feet.  I actually really started to know him through his time here.  The one thing that made me feel good, is he was never nice to people wherever he would go, but he was never mean to me.  He loved me, and in a weird way I loved him too.

My family is in major turmoil right now.  So many people aren't talking to each other, and Norm dying has put a few things in perspective for ME.  I no longer have the energy for the he said she said crap that goes on in this family.  A man I never thought would die, died.  I'm sure that things will be getting real ugly in our family over his death.  I'm grateful that I'm not a part of it.  

I did make a phone call to my grandma who I don't really talk to anymore.  It was nice to talk to her, and hope that we can continue a relationship that is minus crap and drama and business.  I don't have it in me anymore to fight with anybody in my family.  If they want a part of my life I'm here, if they don't that's their problem.... not mine.  I've found happiness without all of them.  I know that sounds harsh, but with my family it's not.  

So, I will not be attending Norm's funeral.  There's so much else going on behind the scenes that I really want no part of and instead will be doing something in his honor that will be remembering him and his life.  I pray that he has found peace, because there wasn't much of it in his life on this earth.  He accomplished many great things, but the man never stopped.... even on his death bed.

Norm, I want you to know that I do appreciate the things that you did for me when you were on this earth.  While I don't have the best of memories, I do have some good ones and I'll always treasure those.  I'm so happy that you are no longer suffering and dealing with the chaos.  

**My favorite known fact about Norm is that he was friends with Frank Sinatra**   

His First Meeting with Bishop

The first part of this post really isn't my Pour Your Heart Out ~ it's more towards the end.  I originally didn't write this post as a Pour Your Heart Out post, but realized that towards the end that's kinda what I did :)  

We've set the baptism date {this Saturday, 5:00pm LDS church in Ashland on Clay Street} So, if you didn't know about it, now you know about it. You can consider this your invitation :)


A picture of my favorite LDS Temple in SLC ~ Jayden loved going to this temple

Today Jayden had to go talk with the Bishop like every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gets to do before baptism. When we set the appointment I thought to myself... 'Uh oh! Does Jayden even know what he's doing?! Why he's getting baptized?! What the heck this all means?!' So, we sat down to ask him a few questions to see how much he knew. Even though he goes to church, loves Jesus, loves God knows that the Holy Ghost is a good thing and not a creepy thing.... he really didn't have a clue.

I've tried to explain it to the best of my abilities, and I was very pleased today when he got out of his appointment with the Bishop that Bishop said... "He did great! Answered all the questions I had right." THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I really didn't think he was paying attention to the things I was telling him.

I'm so excited for my handsome, little man.

I look at our lives 5 years ago, when Jayden was only 3 and wow, what a difference. I never would have thought in a million years we'd be where we are at in our lives. I never thought in a million years I'd be back at church let alone bringing my entire family with me. I never thought I'd be planning my son's baptism. 5 years is a HUGE difference. 5 years ago my marriage was on the rocks, 5 years ago I never thought my family would last.... and now look at us. It makes me smile and makes feel so proud of US, because we did this together ~ and it makes me borderline emotional to think about it.  I think that we have the church to thank for where we are at in our lives right now, because it gave us the missing piece in our lives that we never knew we were missing.  It's really funny how that can happen, how you can discover that when you thought your life was complete it really wasn't.  Just another interesting little weirdness about life.

Precious Alana has left ~ Psycho Blog Stalkers... hope you enjoy!

Hello stalkers welcome to the stalker club, because sadly I have many. And yes, I did know that you people were coming to my blog ~ just like I know that Alana's brother's mom is STILL coming here and reading about my life, which is a little creepy.  BUT I really hope you share with Carina all of the things I have written, because THEY ARE THE TRUTH.  Carina knows I love her and would do anything for her and Alana, but I SPEAK THE TRUTH IT'S WHAT I DO ~ AND SOMETIMES THE TRUTH HURTS LIKE HELL.  


Since that has been addressed.....


There are many things in life that unfortunately we can't control. I know this, and in my family I'm known among them all as the one who likes to always have things in control and I take situations and make them mine. I don't know why I do this, maybe it's the mother hen {thank you, Kandi, for this word.. I use it often lol} in me, but I feel like everybody's problems are my problems ~ therefore I attempt to solve them.

I don't care who's reading this blog.  I don't care if my niece Alana's "other" family reads it {since creepily they do}, because I never lie on here, I only tell life how it is.  Sorry that it's not a pleasant thing.  I'm sorry that my niece has had to live a life of being tossed here tossed there.  I'm sorry I was giving her a very good life.  

She woke up everyday happy, and layed in bed next to her cousin as they read books.  They'd eat their breakfast, and play and go next door to their BFF's house.  If we didn't play at home we played at other places, fun kid places.  She lived a life of laughter, smiles & happiness.  She took a nap at the same time every day.  She ate her vegetables, but knew that she had to say her prayers before eating those vegetables.  She had fun bath time with her cousin and sometimes with her BFF too.  They were 3 peas in a pod those girls. Nighttime she loved to get in HER princess toddler bed.  She loved it.

I know that her mom was not happy about what she had to do.  I know deep down that her mom knows she's better off here than anywhere else.... FOR NOW.  I say for now, because every child needs their mama, but every child needs their mama when they're on the right track.... putting what's important first.  I know her mom was tricked into even coming up here, and I wish she had a spine to tell them all what she thinks, and how she knew {because she's told me over and over} that that Alana is safe and happy HERE.

Do I think Alana's going to be safe?  Not too sure on that.  If her mom is taking her to her "grandma's" house then kindof.  I know that her mom leaves her during the day w/one of the drug addict psycho men that were creeping around my house last week.  I don't think that's very safe.  If she stays with her mom, then we have her with her mom who is struggling really bad right now.  I wish she'd get help so she can be a mom to Alana. Alana needs structure, Alana needs to know that she isn't going to be ripped from here, tossed to there, and that the bed she lays in at night will be the same bed she wakes up to in the morning.  She needs what we gave her.  I wish more than anything it was something that her mom could give her, but right now ~ she can't.

I'm extremely grateful tonight that my children have structure, stability, and security.  I'm extremely grateful that even though I'm far from perfect, that they have a good mom.  It's funny that at times I really do stop and question if I'm that good of a mom.  Then I think about all of the things I've given my children.  Structure, stability, security, the gospel, God, love, 2 parents, and lots and lots of laughter.  I'm a good mom.  I need to remember that when I'm thinking otherwise. 

I could go on and on, but I won't.  My heart is sad, my home definitely feels like something is missing, and believe it or not ~ I feel SO bad for Carina, Alana's mom.  I couldn't imagine being in a situation where first off I go almost 2 months without seeing my daughter, and then I have people pulling the strings in my own life.  One thing about me is I do what I know is right and good for my kids, my family and myself.  She's not in a place in her life that she can do this, and that makes me so sad.  Alana had a picture that she carried with her and even slept with of her mom and dad when her mom was pregnant with her.  It broke my heart, because she looked so happy, so healthy.  I wish she could find her way back there for Alana's sake.  Alana needs her mom to be happy & healthy, so that in turn Alana can be happy & healthy.  I've known Carina for a long time, and she's like a little sister to me.  I've always been here for her, and wish I could make all of her problems disappear ~ but I can't.  

So, tonight, it's all in God's hands.  Not only does Alana need your prayers, but it wouldn't hurt to give Carina your prayers as well.  And my Ella needs prayers.  She's sad.  She lost her best friend, her cousin.  Tomorrow will be a hard day for her, but mommy will make sure that she has a good one.  Because I'm THAT kind of mom.  

A Scary Night

The prior two blog posts before this one were removed for the majority of today. I wasn't sure who was reading my blog, and things got extremely CRAZY and scary regarding the situation with my niece Alana that I felt that I had to remove the posts until her fate was secure.

My last post towards the end said... I never truly know what I'm going to wake up to. That statement couldn't have been more true.

I woke up in the middle of the night to men creeping around my house. Men that drove 5 hours to come and take my niece from me.... and I was home alone. And scared out of my mind. THANK GOD I have the most amazing neighbor in the entire world that informed me about this and stayed on the phone with me until my husband got home {unfortunately right now he works late}. Cops were called {they didn't see them or catch them} and we didn't sleep well ~ my husband sat up on the couch with one eye open... all night long.  I don't know what their intentions were in the middle of the night, but I can assure you they weren't good.  Why in the world they would drive 5 hours after I told them there is no way I would hand my niece over to them ESPECIALLY without her mom's permission.... and talking with my niece's mom and hearing her concerns about her brother & mother's intentions.  

People... I was scared.  I had never in my entire life felt my heart pound as hard as it was pounding.

In the morning they finally decided to approach our home again and knock this time.  I shuffled the girls into a hiding place and we were not answering the door.  Then they called, and I answered.  I threatened to call the police, and they left.  They figured they'd try to call the police and get Alana that way.

Didn't work.  The cops told them they need to leave as Alana will not be taken out of my home unless her mother who at this point has full rights takes her out.  Thank you, God.

She's still here, she's still safe.  

An Update for my 2nd Glass of Pour your Heart Out

I SERIOUSLY never know what to expect with the situation with my niece and her mother. If you haven't read {THIS} post yet, you should.  This is an update to my post for 

The original plan was that my niece's mother was leaving Sacramento yesterday at 7pm to drive 5 hours, in the snow to pick up Alana. Then after she picks her toddler up and disturbs my family in the middle of the night, she then was planning on traveling back to Sacramento, in the snow, with her toddler. Needless to say, I was frustrated and upset.

Then I get a phone call from her saying that she's going to instead be leaving at 2pm today. Then I get a message left on my voicemail from her brother saying they'll be leaving around 2 and will be arriving here around 7. Whatever.

Oh, that's when things change. This morning I could tell her mom had been partying all night and now she's having issues with her family and has canceled the entire thing. So, now after I have prepared Alana for her mom coming to get her she has changed her mind.  Alana was expecting her mom, and I am relieved.

Her brother most definitely had not changed his plans, because I received a call from him letting me know he's running late.  I had to inform him that I most definitely will not be handing Alana over to ANYBODY except for her own mother, and at this point her own mother prefers her to remain here with me.  Thank God.  Did he actually think I would hand over my niece to an absolute stranger {in my eyes}, he obviously doesn't know me and the protective mother hen I am when it comes to my children and any child in my care. 

People.... this is a very, very crazy roller coaster.  I really never truly know what I'm going to wake up to.  So for now we still have her.  For now, she's still safe. 


Believe it or not, there's more {HERE}

Pour Your Heart Out - #2

On Wednesday's Shell {if you click on the image below you will be taken to her awesome blog} has one of my new favorite carnivals ~ and I'm EXTREMELY early in posting this, but tonight was a night that I absolutely had to........

so if you're reading this post and would like to participate in Pour Your Heart Out, Shell will have it up for linkups Wednesday morning.

I have had my niece Alana for 44 days. For 44 days a mother has been putting something before her own child. For 44 days a child has been without her mother. For 44 days I have struggled with trying to give this child normalcy, structure and love. Things I don't think she's seen very often, because unfortunately most of her life has been spent being tossed here, being tossed there.

I'm writing this after I received the phone call that after 44 days her mom will be coming tomorrow to get her. She's done with her party {for the time being} and is ready to play mommy for a while. But how long will it last? This is the part of taking a child into your home that's the hardest.

I HAVE to put this in God's hands and know that there is nothing I can do at this point. This child unfortunately was born to a girl who should have never been given the blessing of a child. She has no clue what honor it is to be able to love and teach your child. She has no clue what being a mom is all about. To her, when she's tired of playing the responsible role, she just tosses her to the next willing person that will take her in. I'm sad to say that unless rights are going to be signed over to me I will not be this person anymore. I can't be. It's too unstable for her and my family. My children get close and attached and then have to have her ripped from them. 44 days is a very long time in they eyes of a child. Bonds have been made.

I now have to worry about my daughter and how she's going to feel that a member of our family who has become a huge part of our life is ripped from her. Jayden is old enough that he understands that Alana was not here on a permanent basis, but my 2 1/2 year old doesn't. As much as they fought, they got along. Ella will be getting more one on one attention with me, but what about her constant play mate? I've tried to be strong and put a wall around my heart, but tonight I'm sad. I'm sad of what's to come of this precious little girl's life. I'm sad that I didn't fight harder for her. I'm sad that she's leaving the one place in her life that actually had a family feel. Not just a mom, but a dad, a brother, a sister... although we were just aunt, uncle & cousins... but it's the feeling I'm talking about. She got to experience going to church, praying before meals, getting tucked in at night. She got to experience love. And I'm sad to say that what she comes from doesn't shower her with love. Any mom that ever puts drugs and men before their own child doesn't know about being a mom.  

I wish I could give Alana the life she deserves, but for now it's not in my hands.  All I can do is put it into God's.


UPDATE TO THIS CAN BE READ {HERE}

Crazy Goodness

This week has been ONE CRAZY WHIRLWIND of a week. But all in a good way. The first thing is my business just took a MAJOR jump this week, and I have just gotta give it to my very, very, very good friends Jen & David for all of their hard work and sticking with something that they saw the value in. *I love you guys!*  I can't even begin to describe how truly happy I am for you and your future.

Things are really hopping and starting to get busy with me and I just feel so overwhelmingly blessed to be a part of something so wonderful that is really changing our lives. I look at my kids and smile knowing that everything we're doing right now is going to impact their lives in such a good way ~ and not only their life, but for generations to come. I love that.

Life with 2 toddlers is actually been getting easier and easier. When Alana came with us she had little issues, like not wanting to take a bath, constipation, among other things. Today for the first time ever I was walking up the stairs to give Ella a bath and Alana got all excited saying she wanted to take a bath too. HUGE IMPROVEMENT!

I know that her staying here with us is the best thing ever for her. She has stability, she has structure, she has a family that is a family. She's been tossed around A LOT in her 2 short years of life, and that breaks my heart. I can't fathom how my kids would feel being tossed here, tossed there. They NEED stability. They NEED constant love and attention.

The good thing is both of her parents are secure with her staying with us. My brother and Alana's mom both know that when she's here she's being very well taken care of. And she's happy. Throughout the day she'll just come up and hug me and have this huge smile on her face, and it warms my heart.

I'm just so happy with the decision that my brother and Alana's mother made in securing their daughter with me ~ the best place she could be right now.  

The 3 Princesses

When you add 1 more toddler to the mix things get a bit busy. So busy that I can't believe that it's not only been 1 week since I've come on my sanctuary, but I also completely forgot about this week's Just a Motivating Monday.

My sweet little Alana is really fitting in here. A year ago we had her for a while under the same circumstances that we have her now. My heart completely breaks for her, but all we can do is surround her with love and provide her with stability, a schedule and lots of laughter and fun.

With Alana living with us once again I have been keeping the girls extremely busy, which is important for them. We've been spending a lot of time with our BFF's that live next door ~ Miss Celeste & Ruthie. Watching the three girls play together is probably the cutest thing in the entire world.

So, we're all doing well, just SO BUSY!  

Valentine's Day ~ a little peak

Our Valentine's Day was THE BEST EVER!  I'm gonna do a little rundown here for ya ~

My husband proposed to me 9 years ago - the ring is pretty, but the diamonds are EXTREMELY small and it's a two toned ring and for some reason my finger breaks out ~ so, I don't wear a wedding ring.  I HATE it, because I always feel like when I go out in public people look at me like just another single mom. {not that there's anything wrong with that... I'm just NOT a single mom} 

My husband rocks... he bought me THIS for Valentine's Day 

Ever since the 3 stoned Past, Present, Future rings came out - I've wanted one!  And I FINALLY HAVE ONE!!!!!!!  On the inside it even has a P {diamond} P {diamond} F ~ I AM IN LOVE!!!!  I can't stop staring at my finger.  Gino, you are my heart and soul.  I just want you to know that.  I wouldn't have US any other way ~ so just always know that.

We woke up Valentine's Day and packed into the car and headed to Sacramento.  Where we saw my mom and my most favorite, lovable little niece Alana {P.S. SHE'S COMING TO STAY WITH US AGAIN!!!}

And then we headed to Arco Arena {where my Sacramento Kings play} to see Disney on Ice.  We had SO much fun!  Yes, I cried, because I always cry at these things because I am literally THAT excited!  Here's a couple pictures from our day there ~

I'm working on a little movie that has some video and pics of the kids and I'll upload that as soon as I'm done... cuz there's MANY more pics :)

We ended our Valentine's Day night with a little mask party with Grandma and Grandpa 

OH and a little tattoo competition between Grandpa & Ella haha 

Life, Family & What's Important

My life has changed A LOT these past couple of months.  Some for the good, some for the bad, but I'm embracing them all.  

The good ~ I no longer have a JOB (Just Over Broke) and have gone into business for myself.  I'm on a major life organizing kick, and strangely I feel like I'm cleaning and organizing my soul.  I've made my unfinished business list and have crossed quite a few items off.... I can't wait until all the items are crossed off.

The bad ~ I lost another baby.  There's no words for this.  I don't get it.  By now I'd be close to feeling flutters in my stomach, instead I'm trying to figure out how to lose my stomach.

I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately.  Maybe it has to do with all of the changes going on here, but my thoughts mostly have been about family.

I really don't have a family.  I have siblings that come and go.  I've never had a healthy relationship with any of them, because not only did I have a dysfunctional childhood... I think they had a worse childhood.  I've noticed with my family that they come in and out in and out in and out and have DRAMA.  But it's okay.  I'm coming to the realization that none of them matter.  It doesn't matter if I have a sister that's my best friend, because I have a husband that's my best friend.  It doesn't matter if one day they like me the next they are jealous of me, because honestly... they really don't matter.  Sounds harsh right?  Trust me, with my family it's just the way it has to be.

I'm okay with my dysfunctional family and whether they're present or absent in my life.  I have the most STABLE (word I never knew growing up) family under my own roof.  We are creating a life for our children that is secure.  At the end of the day our little family here under this very roof is what matters.  There's no drama, there's no being cautious of what you say.  It's just pure, unconditional love, and I can't even begin to explain how happy I am that I Finally have a family.  A true, unconditional, loving family.

I need to let the hurt go.  The hurt of my father, the hurt of my grandmother, the hurt of my sister, the hurt of my brother ~ the hurt of my entire dad's side of the family.  I NEED TO LET IT GO.  I need to realize I don't need them, they've done nothing but give me conditional love, and that's no family.

So, from here on out no more wishing, wondering, just appreciating, because I LOVE MY FAMILY ~ the Family we are creating.

Tonight My Heart is Heavy

Life is short. Boy is it ever so short. I talked on my blog a while back about my problems with my IUD and how I was going through hormone testing and the Nurse Practitioner that I was seeing was WONDERFUL. She was so nice, layed back, took the time to hear you out. I loved her! I just found out that in April she fell and slipped into a coma... and she never came out of it.  Just like that, a wonderful person gone from this world.  

Today is a little girl that will just melt your heart's 2nd birthday.  However, she's not here to celebrate it.  I've seen her pictures all over people's blog and waited until today to finally head over to her mom's blog and get to know sweet Maddie.  Oh my goodness..... I sat here tonight reading her mom's letter to her today and cried and cried and hugged my babies.  One day she was here, the next day she was gone.  Life is so short.  And Maddie's story really makes you stop, think and appreciate every moment that you are given with your babies.

To read all about Maddie... go {HERE} for her mama's blog or {HERE} for her Daddy's blog.  I waited a really, really long time to suck it up and cry with them... but I'm so happy I did.  I hope you too will go and become a friend of Maddie... she'll melt your heart.

I have been so close to losing Ella, that stories like these crush me.  I've been there.... I've actually sat there hearing them call codes on my little girl.  At one point I thought she was gone... I know what it's like to drop to your knees and pray that your baby won't die.... and I'm so fortunate to still have her here.  I can't imagine what not only Heather & Mike (Maddie's Mama & Daddy) but all of the parents in this world that have had to suffer the heart wrenching loss of a child have had to go through... and still go through every, single day.

My heavy heart can go on and on.  I feel like I'm mourning a sister.  I haven't unleashed the drama that's been going on, but I've decided to break my silence and talk about how I feel.  My sister has turned into somebody that I do not like.  Somebody who talks disgustingly and someone that I am ashamed to say is my sister.  My sister wouldn't act the way she's been acting.  But in the end I think I've learned something that I've always known.  You turn into who you hang around.  So, it's so vital that you choose to hang around people that inspire you, challenge you to grow, and have virtue, values & morals.  Because if you choose to hang out with anything less, unfortunately you will be less.  I am in mourning, because things that have been said can't be taken back.  I have been challenging myself to personal growth, and during personal growth you need to ensure that you are not surrounded by people who hold you back, live negatively and have no virtue, values or morals, because the last thing you want to do is turn into them.  

Life is short though, and I'm sad to say that I've had to accept the fact that my sister and my brother are both individuals that will always be stuck in their rut.  Living a life that is not something to be proud of, and until they accept this and learn and grow from this they'll never change.  They will continue to always be hustling their way through life.  A life without honesty, a life without morals.... it's so unfortunate.  But I have to remember that in order for me to continue with my personal growth I have to stay away from them.  I have to look at the negativity they hold, the hate they hold, the evil they hold in them and pray for them.  My brother is not someone that has ever had good in him.  I've been through it all with him, and honestly feel quite secure in not being in his life.  Anybody who can walk away from their own flesh & blood child and deny them is evil.  My sister, however, I've always loved her.  It's unfortunate what's happened, but I'm okay with it now.  Yes, Jessica, I do check your myspace status, because I want to see how my niece and nephew are doing.  The things you put on there lets the ghetto and trash in you shine on.  I wish we could mend this crap we're going through, but I've realized since it's started that you are not a person that I want in my world... and fortunately I get to choose who's in my world.  I choose class, virtue, morals, and people striving to better themselves, which are things you don't hold.  I hope one day you learn how to.

My heart is heavy, but at the end of the day I have a wonderful husband that makes me happier than I ever thought possible.  A son that never fails to put a smile on my face and warm my heart and a daughter that is and always will be  my rainbow after the storm.  My heart is heavy, but I love every thing I have in my life.  I feel fortunate to have the blessings that continue to pour down on my family.  I will continue to keep my prayers with those in this world that truly need it..... and I will continue to send my balloons to the people in heaven like Mya, my precious daughter who will always have a huge piece of my heart with her, Maddie, who has touched a world of people with her beautiful eyes and smile, and Karen... my nurse who woke up one day and didn't know it was going to be her last.

Friday Favorites #1 ~ Aloha Friday Family Activites?

I have one carnival going on, and sometimes people link up, and sometimes they don't. That's okay with me... it's okay, because I started the carnival to guarantee my readers that once a week I will post something inspiring... and hopefully it will motivate their Mondays. Now, I'm starting up another. Do I hope to see people link up? ABSOLUTEY... but even if I don't link ups, Friday Favorites will still be here.  If you want to skip all this Friday Favorites stuff and head straight over to the Aloha Friday question please scroll down :)


I love to do Friday Favorites, and I just usually ramble away with them. I thought about maybe structurizing it a bit this week and adding a linkup - you are more than welcome to link up your Friday Favorites.


Since I'm structurizing I figured I'd go ahead and add some topics below... the names are my kids' names, you can do whatever subjects that you wish.... but these are the subjects I'm mainly going to stick with.  I may add some other weeks, but these are my main ones!

Accomplishments:  This week I accomplished my huge laundry pile... that by far is my favorite accomplishment.  I know, boring but a favorite of mine!  

Jayden: I overheard Jayden tell his friend not to say God, and to say Gosh instead. For the first time since starting Kindergarten Jayden has found a "real" friend that he really connects with. I see major differences and similarities between the two. I hope that Jayden continues to be the good example that he is. I can't even express how proud I am of him.

Ella: Oh boy, this girl is TOO MUCH! She started swim lessons this week and we have had so much fun doing them!!  My favorite thing of this week is that she showed that she has a huge heart and loves to see the excitement of others.  I noticed this today at her swim lesson where she wasn't throwing a fit when other's were getting turns... instead she just showed excitement.

Marriage: I know that marriage is one of the hardest things, but I am a strong believer in fighting through it all. I feel fortunate that we are both at a very good point in our marriage. My favorite thing about this week to do with my marriage is that I personally am trying to do things to make my husband happy without expectations back.

Favorite Blog of the Week: Definitely 110% my fav new blog for this week is {A Place to Bloom}. It is definitely a place where you can bloom as a mother and wife. One of the writers of the blog is a dear friend of mine and I absolutely love what they are doing.

Favorite Blog Post of the Week (not my own): Believe it or not it's also from A Place to Bloom. I found {this post} and instantly LOVED it. It's about spending time together as a family and I believe it is a VERY important thing. This guest poster over at A Place to Bloom had this post very well written.

Photography:  Today, actually, I was referred to somebody to do their wedding.  I'm nervous, but figure I have to start somewhere right?  Another favorite is I finally printed my first 20x30 prints and they were of my beautiful children... I am absolutely in LOVE with the results.  I love walking into my home and seeing such huge displays of what I believe is the most beautiful thing on this planet.

Now for {Aloha Friday} 

What is your favorite thing to do as a family?  I'm talking simple, something that can be done on a weeknight type of a thing.


HERE'S THE LINKUP FOR YOU TO LINKUP YOUR FRIDAY FAVORITE'S POST

A Little Preview of what I'm up to

The People Along Life's Path

We finally escaped from our house and got on the road late last night. By the time we arrived at our first hotel at 1am I thought I was going to die of exhaustion. Have you ever gotten to the point when driving late at night where you think, if I just close my eyes and wake up in a hospital bed, at least I'll be sleeping.... I know, terrible but that's how I felt. The kids and husband in the car with me are what kept my eyes pried open.

Today we arrived at our first destination. Miserable, loney Ely, Nevada. If you've ever been to Ely you know exactly what I'm talking about. Anytime that I come to this town I get this sick feeling in my gut and just want to turn the car around and not look back. It just has the icky feeling to it.

Today was different. Right when we pulled into town I pulled in front of a sports bar that my mom's ex from when I was a little girl owns. Seeing him did something to me I think. He came out and got to meet my family and had a smile on his face that made my soul feel like it was smiling. I miss him. I miss him and my mom together. When they were together we were a family. I was happy.

I think on this trip this is going to happen a lot to me. I'm backtracking and going to places that are from my past and I'm going to see people and places from my past that will bring back memories and feelings... feelings I really didn't realize I had in me.

How is it possible for people to come in and out of your life? There are so many moments that happen in our life, relationships that we form, and as we grow apart, move apart, lose contact we forget. We forget how much these people mean to us. I think it is dreadfully sad, and I want to make it a goal to stay in contact with the people that have meant something to me. Not just the current people in my life, but with everyone that has had an impact in my life.

I didn't have the privilege of having a father growing up. My dad as I've talked about many time on this blog has never been my dad. But because of this I have had the privilege of having some wonderful father figures in my life. 1 of them met my children tonight. The other will be meeting them in Salt Lake next weekend. Dustin in Salt Lake was never a step-dad of mine, but he holds the place in my heart that a Dad holds in a girl. He is such a wonderful person and did so much to help me out through my teenage years, and I disappointed him. I just want him to know now and always that I appreciate him, and I am so happy that he has such a wonderful family ~ and I'm happy he continues to help troubled teens. I only hope that they realize what a wonderful guy they have there for them.... Dustin rocks and I CANNOT wait to see him next weekend and have him meet my husband, my children and to see that I didn't turn out too bad.

I want to remember the people that have impacted my life. I want to make contact with them all and let them know how they helped to make me who I am today, because that's what happens.... the people in our path of life help to make us who we are.

Welcoming Paxton - sharing the Easy Schedule

Yesterday my nephew was born. He was 6lbs 15oz. and 19 inches long. Talk about 1 adorable, precious baby boy! His name is Paxton Richard ~ and here he is - isn't he absolutely adorable?!?!?!?
So, my Works for Me Wednesday is a repeat, but I'm repeating for the new mom!


The EASY Schedule for your baby ~

I have done this with Jayden and Ella. I got the idea from Tracy Hogg's book {The Baby Whisperer} My Grandma bought me this book when I was pregnant with Jayden and tried her tactics and THEY WORKED!! Here's how the EASY Schedule works:



E stands for Eat
A stands for Activity Time
S stands for Sleep
Y stands for You Time

So, here's why this schedule works WONDERS with me. Your baby wakes up from a nap and you instantly feed him/her. You do not let them fall asleep while eating. After they finish their bottle you give them activity time. For a newborn this can be a bath, staring into the wondrous world before them. Just time for them to be awake and not be sleeping. Then when they get fussy, guess what! They're not hungry!!! You instantly know what the deal is. They're tired. So you wrap them up, rock them and put them to sleep....then you get YOU TIME (time where you can sit and hear the peace, that is if you don't have other children or the other children are in school!!) You can even schedule out what you're going to do for each You Time!!! Ella's at the age that during activity time she likes to get in her jumparoo and jump jump jump and that's my internet time. My You Time is USUALLY spent working or doing my housework.

This schedule has not failed me through 2 kids now and I love it. I always know what's next and so does Ella (she's my current baby) I'm a WAHM and it's nice to know that things are not out of control. It's easy for us and I know that I can tell someone when I will be calling them back, because according to Ella's schedule I know when she's going to be tired.

OH! And w/this schedule, Jayden never relied on a bottle to fall asleep. Therefore, when he turned 1 - I threw all of his bottles away on her b/day and we had NO ISSUES!!! Straight to the sippy cup like a big boy!

And the exciting thing today - she's sleeping right now, and when she wakes up she gets to eat baby food for the first time!!! Stay tuned for pictures!!!!

Hope this works for you like it's worked for me!! I highly suggest reading her book :)

For other things that work for other's head over to We Are THAT Family and enjoy yourself!

As for Brittany, the new mom of Paxton, I am buying you a copy of this book!!!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. You did a wonderful job yesterday and I LOVE my nephew!!!!!

We are a RAIDERS family!

I know, I know, we have a terrible team, but IMO it's just that we have a terrible owner. I just found this picture while looking through my memory card and I had to put it on here. I love this picture of us! We went on Superbowl Sunday to a house FULL of Steelers fans, so we showed up all decked out in our Raiders gear and rooted for the opposite team.... unfortunately we all know how that ended.

A simple, fun Family Home Evening - Makes Me Happy

Our lives lately have swirled into a little black hole where our normal lives don't exist. It's extremely frustrating when this happens, because we become accustomed to this new black hole.

I woke up today and said to myself - I AM SNAPPING OUT OF IT! I am going to get back into my housekeeping schedule, my work schedule, and Sunday I'm going to church. Well, since tonight was Monday I decided the first step in getting back to normal is to do {Family Home Evening}

Something we haven't done in a while, and something that is much needed not only in our home, but everyone's home. Please click on the link that the words Family Home Evening gave to read about it, or under my topics click on FHE.

Tonight's Family Home Evening, since being the first in while, I made it extremely simple... and fun. I made {Rich Dark Chocolate Fudge Sauce} in my adorable {Wildtree Fondue Set} and we sat around the table dipping strawberries and took turns saying.... "so and so (somebody sitting at the table) makes me happy when...." and then we say what makes us happy.

Some of Jayden's responses: "Ella makes me happy when she makes a big mess." "Ella makes me happy when she screams" I'm starting to think he didn't get it LOL... but he had some good ones in there too like, "Mama makes me happy when she hugs me."

We had laughs, the chocolate dipped strawberries were delicious and there's another Family Home Evening memory that will stick with my kids in their hearts. Another Family Home Evening that will keep us as a family strong.

My goal from here on out is to make sure that I do Family Home Evening every, single Monday - no matter how hectic the day has been. This is something my family needs, even if it's 10 minutes of sharing a few laughs, without the TV and a delicious treat.

A peek into my heart.... on Father's Day

Unfortunately, Father's Day was never an important day for me. I have a dad, but growing up I refused to refer to the man as that. I am now older and have tried to accept him as my father, but continuously don't feel it in my heart.

My father was 16 when I was born. That pretty much sums it up right there. He was never there, went on to conceive 3 more daughters with 3 different women. Each one I'm sure has their sob story about the man, and I still cling to mine every, single day. I want a dad. I want a dad that cares enough to call me at least once a week and see how I'm doing. I want a dad that can put me first for once... not always focus on his youngest 2 daughters. I want a dad who cares enouch about being a grandpa that he asks how they're doing, or wants to see them. I just want a dad.

I have a couple of memories that stab my heart, and I think it's time I talk about them. The first Father's Day that I spent with my father was in 2006. I was newly pregnant with Mya. We drove all the way up to where I now live just to spend Father's Day with the man. In addition to him, it was also the first time I was going to meet his 2nd daughter.. dysfunctional, unstable Britney. I know, I have hate issues.... I told you Garibay Soup is the ingredients to a dysfunctional family.... which is EXACTLY what I have.

Anyways... continuing on. I had mentioned to my dad that he could play catch or baseball or fricking something with his grandson {Jayden} that he never sees and the man actaully had the nerve to say to me, "Well, I have Tiona too... it is Father's Day." Wow..... this man is a loser.

My dad married his 4th daughter's mother who is a whopping 2 years 11 months older than me. SICK! At the wedding in the middle of the ceremony they had her come up and be a part of it and even gave her a ring.... I was his only other daughter at this wedding. I felt {AWKWARD}

His 2 youngest daughters are his everything, I am nothing. For this reason alone I have not care for Father's Day all that much. The 2 situations above are just a couple of things that have stabbed my heart.... there are many, many more, and I need to learn how to let go and be grateful that my children will never have to feel the way I have felt.

My children have a father who loves this both so much and distributes it between the two equally. They will never, ever have to feel the feelings I have felt growing up, because their dad would do anything in this world for them. I am proud to say that this man is my husband.

{Gino}, I know I tell you a lot, but I'm going to say it again....... you are a wonderful dad. You have made choices and changes that they will someday be so thanful and proud for. I just want to thank you for being a dad to my children, I couldn't have picked a better guy. You make their eyes light up, you put smiles on their faces, and it all makes my heart melt.

Cousins

My blog has been put on the back burner with the refried beans lately. I've been spending lots of time with family. My cousin, Sydni, is up from Colorado visiting me and we've been have SO much fun! It's so amazing to see the evidence of genes in her. We are so much alike.... and the funny thing is, it's probably because we're both like her mom (my aunt).

I'm enjoying every given moment with her. At times it makes me sad that we don't live by each other.

I took her to a Shakespear play Much Ado About Nothing... and this picture I snuck of us before getting told NO PICTURES ALLOWED. She's helped me out so much with the kids, the house, my sanity. Her crafty side reminds me so much of myself, as does the things she gets frustrated at. She's such a sweet, sweet girl.

We took a trip to Yuba City where she got to spend time with her biological sister (my biological cousin) heck.... her sister, my cousin :) We both had so much fun visiting, laughing, and bonding. Here's a picture of all 3 of us girls.Jenna and I have become close over these past couple of years that she has found "us" her biological family. I know that we both consider eachother cousins.... we're family and I have grown to love her and appreciate her. She's a great friend that I can talk to you, I'm here when she's bothered or upset and listen to her. I thought that the cousin that was out there in the world somewhere would someday be a very close cousin of mine. I hope that we can continue our relationship all throughout our lives.

Sydni I am just now getting to know. She's always there, but I've never had the priveledge to get to know her and her amazing personality. She's the daughter of an aunt that is like a second mother to me. I love her mom so much, and at one point she played mom with me. I hate how she lives so far away and our kids can't grow up together. Even more than that, I just hate that we don't know each other's kids. So, this special time with Sydni was just what I think we both needed.