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Garibay Soup: Another Loss... Another Heartache... Another Trial... I Cling to HOPE

Monday, January 18, 2010

Another Loss... Another Heartache... Another Trial... I Cling to HOPE

I've learned that God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I've learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.

One thing I hadn't learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.

It's been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya.  Probably the worst day of my life.

Today marks day 1.  Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine.  A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on.  Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can't tell goodbye.

I'm numb.  I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can't find anymore tears.  I don't want to talk to people.  I haven't even talked to my mom.  I just know that there's nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better.  My baby is dead.  In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life.  Maybe I'm in denial.

Tomorrow I'm dreading a bit.  I'll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out.  I'll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.

But I also know that my life is going to go on.  I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today.  I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope.  Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl.  Hope is what gets us through this life.

I have hope.  I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.

I don't know how I will be feeling tomorrow.  I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.

I'm not ready to write about what happened today.  Maybe tomorrow.  But today I'm not ready.

Please keep us in your prayers.


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Blogger Fee said...

I'm sorry you have to go through this (again). You can get through this and I wish you the best in the future.

January 18, 2010 at 8:38 PM  
Blogger Stefany said...

I am praying for you honey. I am here if you ever want to talk. I have been where you are and know that no words can fix this. I have a shoulder though if you need it.

love you!

January 18, 2010 at 8:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


I am truly sorry....

January 18, 2010 at 8:51 PM  
Anonymous Suzie said...

I have been there twice myself and haven't tried again. It is so difficult and heart-breaking. I'm so sorry to read you're going through this. It happens much more often than most people let on. I had no idea until it happened to me. It doesn't make it easier, but just know you are not alone.

You have two beautiful children!!

January 18, 2010 at 8:57 PM  
Anonymous kimberlee said...

I am so very, deeply sorry Amanda. No one should have to loose a baby and it is so hard when it happens again. I lost two babies after Indigo. It is always heartbreaking.

January 18, 2010 at 9:02 PM  
Blogger Kristine said...

Amanda, keep clinging on to those sweet little ones. I know nothing can make this better.

January 18, 2010 at 9:11 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Ohh, honey. Wow! I cant even imagine what you must be going through right now. Maybe halfway, but not entirely. I am sooo sorry. I promise you a girls night out when you feel like you are ready for a break away. Please know I love you. My Prayers ares with you. You will arise once more and be better for it, somehow. I hope we can talk soon. Hot Chocolate, Movies, Games, Bowling, etc. You name it, we'll do it. I love you, My Amanda!!!

January 18, 2010 at 10:38 PM  
Blogger Twin-Spiration said...

I love you friend and will help you get through this. God bless you and your family!

January 18, 2010 at 11:11 PM  
Blogger DysFUNctional Mom said...

I am so sorry Amanda.

January 19, 2010 at 1:10 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so true - noone can make it better for you. I will be praying for you today and for the days to come.

January 19, 2010 at 7:26 AM  
Blogger The Gosfam said...

Amanda, Just want you to know that you and your family is in my prayers. I am sorry this has happened to you again. I have been in your situation and know how you feel. I am thinking of you.

January 19, 2010 at 7:38 AM  
Blogger Just Another Mom of 2 said...

I'm just so sorry you're going through this again. Wishing you peace (hugs)

January 19, 2010 at 7:43 AM  
Blogger Andrea H said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I will be praying for you that God will wrap his arms around you and comfort you.


January 19, 2010 at 9:07 AM  
Blogger Kara @ His, Hers and Ours said...

Amanda, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for you and Gino's loss. Sending prayers of heeling and peace your way my friend. xoxo

January 19, 2010 at 9:31 AM  
Anonymous Kay Green, Child Safety Mama said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of this precious life. I pray GOD will hold you in His arms today

January 19, 2010 at 9:36 AM  
Anonymous My Two Seasons said...

Oh, Amanda. I'm in tears for you. I'm so very sorry. I'll keep you in my prayers.


January 19, 2010 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Angela @ Nine More Months said...

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear this. If you ever need anything, or just want to talk to someone, please don't hesitate to ask.

January 19, 2010 at 10:28 AM  
Anonymous Sammy said...

I love you and am praying for you!!

January 19, 2010 at 12:57 PM  
Blogger Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

What...?? I'm so sorry... wow.. too much, I'm worried for you...

January 19, 2010 at 1:39 PM  
Blogger Chelle said...

Amanda, I am so so so sorry. My heart is breaking for you right now...sending you tons of love, thoughts, prayers and hugs.

Email me if you need to talk, okay? I am here for you 100%--even if you just need to cry, yell, etc. I am here.


January 19, 2010 at 7:15 PM  
Blogger ~Sandy~ said...

oh amanda i am truly sorry for your loss. just know that you will feverishly be in my prayers. please let me know if you need anything.

hugs :0)


January 19, 2010 at 7:26 PM  
Blogger Mama Michie (aka Michaela) said...

Oh Amanda I'm so sorry!! My heart is breaking for you right now!! I've been down that road and I know there is nothing that I can say that will make it better. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. {{Hugs}}

January 19, 2010 at 7:30 PM  
Blogger Elaine A. said...

I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and your sweet little baby...

January 19, 2010 at 8:25 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

I just happened to stumble accross your blog, and I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and I still think about them all the time. God be with you.

January 19, 2010 at 8:42 PM  
Blogger Sarah R said...

Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss. ~hugs~ Honestly, what got me through the 2nd one I had (which was much harder than the first since I was further along) was Andrew. I just focused on him and kept it in my mind that I was so blessed just to have him. I gave him lots of hugs and kisses. He was my therapy. I hope your heart will heal so you can return to a sense of normalcy soon...

January 20, 2010 at 6:34 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Fish aka Two Fish said...

You know what woman you are so right that our higher power does not dish out what we cannot handle. I needed to collect my thoughts before posting a comment because I know your loss. I know your pain oh so well still fresh after the years too have passed. Time only eases that ache so its a dull pain and no longer stabs at us until we are numb. If you need anything let me know...so many are here for you! ((HUGS))

January 24, 2010 at 9:34 PM  

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