List of Randoms

Randoms ~ things going through my mind

~ I have become completely obsessed with cleaning out my garage. I think about it all day while I’m at work and every box I empty out I seriously feel like doing a happy dance.

~Once the garage is completely cleaned out I have plans on making a super awesome playroom since baby #3 will mean less room.

~I have found things while cleaning out my garage that are priceless and things I thought were lost…. Mya’s u/s picture. This might sound morbid, but I really wish that they would have printed out an u/s picture when we discovered that she had passed away. I wonder if it’s in my charts that the Sacramento office sent over to my Medford OBGYN. I just might ask. The u/s picture I found was from our first appt. There’s just a little sac, but she was in it and that is something I always want to treasure.

~Now that I’ve found her u/s picture I want to create a shadow box in remembrance of her. And get another urn necklace made w/the remainder of her ashes to put inside of it. I am so relieved that we still have ashes since Ella flushed my original urn necklace down the toilet…. That was a sad, sad day.

~I’ve also found my mother’s Book of Mormon from when she was a little girl. That to me is a priceless treasure.

~My daughter is turning 3 on Saturday. She’s overwhelmingly excited for her party on Saturday and I’m overwhelmingly excited for her! She’s anticipated this day for a VERY long time.

~I’m on my 3rd week of work. I’m surviving and I actually kind of enjoy it. The break from the house was probably much needed, especially with a new baby on the way…. But my heart definitely misses my kids.

~I had a prenatal appointment yesterday. Very uneventful, but those are the best in my opinion. I was in and out and won’t be back for another 4 weeks. Baby’s heartbeat was beautiful. On Sunday I will be 6 months pregnant! It’s flying by! Still have no morning sickness and have been feeling absolutely wonderful. About dang time!

January 18, 2010 ~ Another Day of Loss

There's little things about that dreadful day a little over 3 years ago that I remember. The color of my shirt, the time of day, the lonely feeling I felt... things that will forever be burned into my memory.

Yesterday things are still vivid in my mine... I'm sure that the way they'll stay.  Some things will fade with time, but some I'll forever remember.  I remember the excitement my nurse had seeing back in there, the talking of Ella already getting the teenager attitude at the age of 2, the talking of Mya and how sad that was to deal with, the talking of my nurse's tween driving her batty with her new teenager attitude.  I remember waiting forever for my appointment and actually thinking to myself at one point.... it's okay that I'm waiting, because it's that much longer of being pregnant in case something goes wrong.  Yes, unfortunately when you've gone through a loss as extreme as my loss with Mya you can't help but think this way.

The doctor came in... I really do like her.  She delivered Ella, my nephew, my cousin's baby and she's giggly and easy to talk to.  We just talked about Ella's heart problem... the possibility of this baby getting it, how hard it is to catch in the womb, and then......

the ultrasound machine came in.  My uterus tilts to the back, so it was hard to get the baby on the screen, but we could see it.  With as many pregnancies as I've had, as many ultrasounds I know what to look for.  I know where the heart should be, and when I don't see a flicker, I know there's a problem.  I looked at my doctor's face and saw the concern... SHI*!  Not again.

She turns it off after printing a weird picture for me, and tells me, well let's just send you next door.  That's where the good ultrasounds are.  Her's sucked and she wasn't sure if it was her angle.  I knew.  I had to wait for 45 minutes to get in to see if my baby was "viable" as the referral paper stated.

A couple walked in.  At first I wanted to tell them to please let me go in front of them, because I just couldn't take the waiting anymore..... I am here to see if my baby is alive.  Then I saw her tears.  Her drinking her water and her husband with the same glazed over look my husband had when we went to "confirm demise" {as the referral paper said} of Mya.  That took my attention off myself real quick.  I still had a chance.  Even though for the past few days I've known that there wasn't another soul in my body, because I felt something wasn't right, I still had a chance.  This girl did not.  This girl was extremely pregnant, and all I wanted to do at that moment was hug her.  Tell her that I know that what she's feeling at this moment feels like you'll never recover, but God will hold you.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't go to this stranger and hug her, hell... she didn't know me.  She doesn't know why I'm in that room.... waiting to get the same news she's about to receive.

She too was a patient of my doctor's, and my doctor was not having a good day.  2 patients back to back with lifeless babies in them.

After that poor woman left the office bawling and feeling her entire world crash all around her, they called my name.  It was time and I layed on the table, closed my eyes and didn't want to watch.  But I had to.  I had to get that glimpse of my baby.  It measured at 8 weeks 1 day, I should be 8 weeks 4 day, so that's close enough that everything could be okay..... but nope.

No heart beat.  Another baby gone.  I don't get it.  I have a hard time grasping why God allows drug addicts to have babies, horrible moms who beat their children, and then there's good parents who love their kids, care for their kids.... he takes them.  I know, from experience that there is a reason.  I know that had I not lost Mya I wouldn't have Ella.  I get that.  But the whole process just down right SUCKS!

This was what went on that dreadful Monday, Januray 18, 2010.  Not a very good start to the New Year, the new decade, but I have to hold myself together.  I have to be strong and appreciate the beautiful blessings that God has blessed me with.  There are woman out there who don't have children and all they have is loss after loss after loss.  I know that I can have another baby.  After my loss with Mya I had a perfectly beautiful kindof healthy little girl Miss Ella.  I say kindof healthy, because while she is one of the healthiest little girls she does have her heart problem.

I'm going to be okay.  I think my main thing right now is I really don't want to talk about it.  When people call me I'd rather talk about life and things going on rather than my loss.  There is nothing they can say that's going to make me feel better or change what happened.  So, people.... don't be offended if I cut you off and don't want to talk about it.  I find my ways, twitter, blog world and unfortunately I feel more comfortable talking about it there.  With woman who have been through this and strangely know what to say.  I appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, but when we get on the phone please don't talk about it.  I'm not trying to be rude at all, it's just something I'd rather not talk out loud about at this time.  

Another Loss... Another Heartache... Another Trial... I Cling to HOPE

I've learned that God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I've learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.


One thing I hadn't learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.


It's been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya.  Probably the worst day of my life.


Today marks day 1.  Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine.  A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on.  Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can't tell goodbye.


I'm numb.  I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can't find anymore tears.  I don't want to talk to people.  I haven't even talked to my mom.  I just know that there's nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better.  My baby is dead.  In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life.  Maybe I'm in denial.


Tomorrow I'm dreading a bit.  I'll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out.  I'll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.


But I also know that my life is going to go on.  I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today.  I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope.  Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl.  Hope is what gets us through this life.


I have hope.  I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.


I don't know how I will be feeling tomorrow.  I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.


I'm not ready to write about what happened today.  Maybe tomorrow.  But today I'm not ready.


Please keep us in your prayers.

Take a Moment... treasure your babies

Sometimes in life things just don't go the way you planned them out. You may see things one way, and other people see them another. Maybe you're right... maybe they're right. At the end of the day it doesn't matter. 

Today in the havoc of drama that just makes my head spin and really question people that are in my life, a mother lost her baby.  Her 2 year old son was ripped from her life in a horribly tragic way.  It sure makes you stop and appreciate what you do have.  I have embraced my kids and loved their smiles, their hugs and their giggles tonight.  I've mourned with a woman I've never met, because that's what our twitter and blog world does.  We mourn together, we cry together, we get through life together.

Tonight.... I'm going to shut this computer, take a moment to treasure my babies, light a candle and say a prayer for Shellie @Military_Mom 

And remember my baby girl in heaven

My Heart is Shattered...

It's been 3 years, 2 months, 3 weeks & 6 days since my baby girl left me. Through this time I have always felt her close to me. I have a necklace and her ashes are in it. That necklace means more to me than ANYTHING. It's the last thing I have of her. To some it might be creepy, but to me it is beautiful. On the front we had Our Angel Mya inscribed, on the back is the date we found out that she had passed 9/5/06. The inscriptions are beginning to fade. This is something I always envisioned cherishing all my life.  I wanted to be buried with it.

Those who are close to me know how important this necklace is to me.... 

It's gone.

Flushed down the toilet.

My heart is in shambles.

And I don't even know how to describe the feelings I am feeling right now. Anger, sadness, fury, hopeless.

I was seconds away from saving it... I saw her in the bathroom holding that necklace and said "NO!" and went running as she chucked it in the toilet and flushed it.... I LOST IT! It felt like I lost her all over again. I feel like somebody punched me in my stomach.

I can't be angry at her. She's 2. She knew how badly it effected me when she saw me screaming and crying like somebody died. She started shooshing me and assuring me that Daddy will get it. And saying sorry over and over again. He won't get it. He can't get it. It's gone. It took a huge piece of my heart with it.

I still do have some ashes of her's in a box. But for some reason, it doesn't feel like it's the same. That necklace got me through losing her.  

I just want it back.

Tonight My Heart is Heavy

Life is short. Boy is it ever so short. I talked on my blog a while back about my problems with my IUD and how I was going through hormone testing and the Nurse Practitioner that I was seeing was WONDERFUL. She was so nice, layed back, took the time to hear you out. I loved her! I just found out that in April she fell and slipped into a coma... and she never came out of it.  Just like that, a wonderful person gone from this world.  

Today is a little girl that will just melt your heart's 2nd birthday.  However, she's not here to celebrate it.  I've seen her pictures all over people's blog and waited until today to finally head over to her mom's blog and get to know sweet Maddie.  Oh my goodness..... I sat here tonight reading her mom's letter to her today and cried and cried and hugged my babies.  One day she was here, the next day she was gone.  Life is so short.  And Maddie's story really makes you stop, think and appreciate every moment that you are given with your babies.

To read all about Maddie... go {HERE} for her mama's blog or {HERE} for her Daddy's blog.  I waited a really, really long time to suck it up and cry with them... but I'm so happy I did.  I hope you too will go and become a friend of Maddie... she'll melt your heart.

I have been so close to losing Ella, that stories like these crush me.  I've been there.... I've actually sat there hearing them call codes on my little girl.  At one point I thought she was gone... I know what it's like to drop to your knees and pray that your baby won't die.... and I'm so fortunate to still have her here.  I can't imagine what not only Heather & Mike (Maddie's Mama & Daddy) but all of the parents in this world that have had to suffer the heart wrenching loss of a child have had to go through... and still go through every, single day.

My heavy heart can go on and on.  I feel like I'm mourning a sister.  I haven't unleashed the drama that's been going on, but I've decided to break my silence and talk about how I feel.  My sister has turned into somebody that I do not like.  Somebody who talks disgustingly and someone that I am ashamed to say is my sister.  My sister wouldn't act the way she's been acting.  But in the end I think I've learned something that I've always known.  You turn into who you hang around.  So, it's so vital that you choose to hang around people that inspire you, challenge you to grow, and have virtue, values & morals.  Because if you choose to hang out with anything less, unfortunately you will be less.  I am in mourning, because things that have been said can't be taken back.  I have been challenging myself to personal growth, and during personal growth you need to ensure that you are not surrounded by people who hold you back, live negatively and have no virtue, values or morals, because the last thing you want to do is turn into them.  

Life is short though, and I'm sad to say that I've had to accept the fact that my sister and my brother are both individuals that will always be stuck in their rut.  Living a life that is not something to be proud of, and until they accept this and learn and grow from this they'll never change.  They will continue to always be hustling their way through life.  A life without honesty, a life without morals.... it's so unfortunate.  But I have to remember that in order for me to continue with my personal growth I have to stay away from them.  I have to look at the negativity they hold, the hate they hold, the evil they hold in them and pray for them.  My brother is not someone that has ever had good in him.  I've been through it all with him, and honestly feel quite secure in not being in his life.  Anybody who can walk away from their own flesh & blood child and deny them is evil.  My sister, however, I've always loved her.  It's unfortunate what's happened, but I'm okay with it now.  Yes, Jessica, I do check your myspace status, because I want to see how my niece and nephew are doing.  The things you put on there lets the ghetto and trash in you shine on.  I wish we could mend this crap we're going through, but I've realized since it's started that you are not a person that I want in my world... and fortunately I get to choose who's in my world.  I choose class, virtue, morals, and people striving to better themselves, which are things you don't hold.  I hope one day you learn how to.

My heart is heavy, but at the end of the day I have a wonderful husband that makes me happier than I ever thought possible.  A son that never fails to put a smile on my face and warm my heart and a daughter that is and always will be  my rainbow after the storm.  My heart is heavy, but I love every thing I have in my life.  I feel fortunate to have the blessings that continue to pour down on my family.  I will continue to keep my prayers with those in this world that truly need it..... and I will continue to send my balloons to the people in heaven like Mya, my precious daughter who will always have a huge piece of my heart with her, Maddie, who has touched a world of people with her beautiful eyes and smile, and Karen... my nurse who woke up one day and didn't know it was going to be her last.

A Sign?

Occasionally we hear of things that make our eyebrows raise. We don't fully understand or believe until the unsight is seen. It's hard to grasp the unnormal, or even to fully understand it. Last night the unseen happened to me.

I was in the bath last night, reading The Shack. Such a powerful book, even in the beginning... it just has this thing about it that really draws you in. While deep in my book my towel, which was perfectly hung over the towel rack started moving. I have never seen something move like that in my life. I have seen channels change, buttons on phones pushed, but those are electronics... there was definitely some explanation. I have had my Mya necklace go from the medicine cabinet to the Washing Machine with no explanation as to how, but then again I didn't see it move by itself with my own eyes.

I quickly jumped out of the bath, feaked out, grabbed the towel that was just moving by itself and wrapped myself in it, dried off, got dressed and ran downstairs. I told Gino to pause his show and told him what had happened. The look on his face was different, and then he told me, "Okay, I was just sitting here and the wipes that were sitting on a box moved and fell off of the box onto the ground.

What are the odds? We could be freaked out, but I think we're taking this as a sign from Mya. Mya telling us that she's still here with us, and she knows the pain that we feel over here, especially with her anniversary being this month.

I feel fortunate to have that happen to the both of us. I feel fortunate to know that there is something bigger out there, and when we leave this life we still exist, we still love, and we still can come to visit our loved ones.

Tonight's all about rants and raves.... I'm allowed!

I wrote what I had to write about Mya. It was a post from my heart, and this is going to be one too. I wish that people remembered her. I wish that people understood why I love her and miss her so much. I wish that people who I am close to in my life would remember that September 5th is a day that maybe you should call me, maybe you should see how I'm doing. Everybody calls for Jayden and Ella's birthday, but what about THIS DAY? This day I need a call, because every year it's just as hard. Every year my heart aches... every year, I feel like I can't talk to anybody who's close to me besides my husband, because it's a subject that has been forgotten. She has been forgotten. And that hurts.


Maybe it's not important to them, but it's important to ME, and that should be enough to call me.  I didn't receive 1 call from 1 person.  The only people that remembered were online friends... online friends that have been there for me through it all, have a sincere heart and know how I feel.  

I'm sorry, but I needed to get this out.... this is a day that is HARD on me, and why is it that it's a day that nobody remembers?  I don't want Mya to be forgotten.   

3 Years Ago Today - We miss you, Mya

I'm strong. I can hold myself together and put a smile on my face when I shouldn't. I can justify anything and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. But I need to remember that I don't always have to do this. It's okay for me to be mad, upset, depressed, disappointed.


3 years ago today my daughter died. 3 years ago today I cried and cried and prayed that it wasn't true. Prayed that the next day when we went for the confirmation of demise u/s there would be a heart beat. 3 years ago today I clutched my stomach where my once moving baby kicked me to feel nothing. That's not okay. I know that if there was no Mya there'd be no Ella, but maybe... maybe Ella would have just come later. Maybe I would have been able to have both girls. It's not okay to have to lose something that you love so much, lose something you've never met, but know as well as you know yourself.


Pregnancy loss is one of the most heartbreaking things to go through. I could not fathom losing one of my babies that I've seen their beautiful faces and got to know there personalities, because that in itself is unfathomable, but strangely.... I think that losing Mya was almost just as bad. No, I didn't ever get to know her, but I did get to feel her. I already loved her, I already had her future planned out for what I wished for her. My son was excited, my husband would put his hand on my stomach to feel her flutter into it. She loved Tacos {my BIGGEST craving with her} 3 years ago today I ate tacos for the last time of her being inside of me... I'm sad that she wasn't still with me to enjoy them.


I am sad that time goes on without her. I am sad that time is starting to heal, and there are days that go by that she isn't on my mind.  I am sad that our family is happy, happier than we've ever been and she isn't here to get to experience that happiness with us. 


I wonder if she visits us ever.  I wonder if she is there waiting for us.  I wonder if she loves us as much as we love her.  I wonder if when we send her balloons that she gets them.  I wonder if God tells her about me, since I didn't get to tell her about Him.  I wonder if they have angel celebrations in heaven and if September 5th is a joyous day for her, because they're celebrating her.


This is the 1st year that we didn't celebrate "Her" day on this day ~ Gino worked today and we decided that tomorrow will be all about Mya.  Tomorrow she will get her balloons, tomorrow she will get a note from her mom, tomorrow will be her day... and I feel guilty that it won't be on "Her" day.


Mya, I love you so much.

I never knew you, but I love you

I never heard you, but I hear you
I never held you, but I feel you
I never knew you, but I love you

I went tonight to watch probably the scariest movie I've seen in such a long time, The Orphan. The above poem was in the movie and a situation much like {mine} had happened to the main character. Her baby girl had died while she was still pregnant with her.

When we saw the stone with the poem on it Gino had reached over and grabbed my hand. It still hurts at times. I will admit that things have definitely gotten better and I am ever so thankful for the blessings that I have; for the children that I have. There is still, however, {Mya}. There is still is a baby girl in heaven that I miss so much, that I love so much.... and I don't even know her. I have felt her inside of me though, and she has a huge part of my heart and my soul.

In exactly 1 month from today it will have been 3 years since I found out my baby girl had passed. The poem above is so real to me. I didn't know her, but I love her just as much as I love my 2 babies that are alive and well with me here on earth. 3 years ago I could hardly breathe and didn't know how in the world I was supposed to go on. I find it amazing how much time and Heavenly Father can heal a mother's heart.

The thing that helps me out so much is that I know she lives in heaven. I keep her so close to my heart in a necklace. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and sadly sometimes things happen that are traumatic. I know that Mya had a very wonderful purpose, and she served it. She saved my marriage. She brought Gino and I together in a way that can't be explained. She came to a marriage that was on the verge of destruction and made it the strongest bond I've ever felt. I love Mya for that, and one day I'll be able to hug her and thank her. She served her purpose, then gave her sister a chance to be born to happy family, a strong family. And I know that through all of Ella's traumatic experiences with her heart that she's right there with her, because she's her angel.

I hope that when we smile and think of her that she feels it. I hope that when we're sad because she's not with us she feels our love. She will always be my first daughter. I will always love her, and I don't even know her yet. I do, however, know that she came here and saved a family and built it strong. Thank you, Mya.... I love you.

Being Thankful

Do you ever wake up in the morning happy to be awake early? Happy to be alive? Looking forward to all of the days activities.... even if it's just about getting housework done? This has been me for the past couple of days. It's weird.

I get excited when I wake up and can't wait to start living. I've been more enjoyable to be around, not complaining and nagging, or getting frustrated with my husband and children.

I've been trying to stay positive and look at the wonderful things about my life. I don't focus on what I don't have, I've been focusing on what I do have. Ella might be a pill (like at church today) but it's okay, because she's here.... alive. She could be dead. Yes, quite morbid, but she did almost die as a newborn and instead of getting all stressed out, I am starting to appreciate the fact that I do have a toddler here with me to throw a fit. Her fits can be like music to my ears, because it could be like Mya. I never got to hear her throw a fit, or laugh, or have her pull my hair. I have gotten to the point where I understand why she's gone. I have accepted it. She died so Ella could be here. In my heart I know that we will all be together one day. One day I will get to meet Mya and I will thank her for allowing me to have Ella in my life. Without Mya dying there would be no Ella. That is my positive outlook on losing Mya. It took me a long time to get there, but I'm there. I'm at peace.

I often times get overwhelmed with all of the tasks that I have to complete. Well, instead of letting these tasks overwhelm me I'm trying to be thankful for the fact that I am able to stay home and have these tasks. I could be working out of my home and not be able to see my children until 5:30pm at night. Thankfully, I spend every waking moment with Ella and with Jayden when he's out of school. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I put my mind to being able to become a work at home mom and I did it. I want to be here for my children. I want to be the one who raises them, and I cannot express how much gratitude I have.

Being thankful isn't something that is so easily done. You have to actually think about these things and realize the many tiny, little things in life that you don't realize are so wonderful. The fact that I have running water, food ALWAYS on my table, a husband that is my best friend, and children who are loving and a son that has more respect than I've ever seen in a boy. These little things about life make me smile and feel overwhelmed with thanks.

When you feel like your life is out of control and there's a million reasons why you hate your life, you should stop and make a list of all the things you love about your life, the things you're thankful for.... even the small things. Focus on those things, and make your life what you want it to be.... paint your own picture. That is what I have been doing and I'm very thankful for it all.

Heck no that doesn't mean that!

I've noticed that I'm kinda gaining a little bit of weight - I just might be bloated because my dreadful ladies day is approaching. I told Gino that I feel like I'm getting fat.

JAYDEN: Mom, that means you're going to have another baby!

ME: No it absolutely does not mean that.

JAYDEN: Let's Check!

Okay... does this child have flashback images of his mom peeing on a million sticks when I was trying to conceive after Mya? I've ruined him.

I miss her

I read something today on one of my friend's blogs and it really hit me. She too lost a baby girl in September 2006. She was talking of how she doesn't want people to forget her baby. I feel the same way. This year I was a little sad, because I mentioned to some people in my life that it was Mya's 2 year angel day, birthday, anniversary day - whatever... it's like they didn't even care. It's nothing to people, because they didn't love her like I did. They didn't feel her like I did. So, it's easy for them to just shrug it off and put it right out of their minds, because they've moved on. The sadness of the day my baby died is gone for them. It will never be gone from me. It seems like a blur, but my daughter is still dead and she's still very much a part of our family and a part of our hearts.

I love Mya just as much as I love Ella and Jayden. I miss Mya and I never got to hold her and that's one of my biggest regrets in life. I would have endured labor just to hug her once. Why didn't I choose that? Maybe God knew that I couldn't handle it. Maybe it's best that we never got to see who's features she was forming.

It's been 2 years 1 week & 6days since my baby went away.... I miss her so much.

2 Years Ago Today - It's our Mya Day

2 years ago today I walked into my house and smelt so good. My husband was making me tacos, because that's what my baby girl loved. I was wearing this cute green maternity tank top, and I had just driven in traffic with blurry eyes. Blurry from crying them out.

It's amazing how you remember such little things. I remember the nurse handing me a Kleenex box to take home and let me sit in the room until the waiting room had cleared out. My appointment was at 4:30pm, which was at the end of the day.

I had such high hopes for this precious soul inside of me. She was a blessing and I was so excited to have her join my family. That day, 2 years ago, my heart was crushed with the worst, devastating news I could have ever imagined. Mya was dead.

Tonight I'm sad. I'm sad that I didn't get her balloons, because I feel like Gino needs to be a part of it, and he works. He works all weekend long. I still should have done something with the kids to remember their sister.

This is a day I dread every year, and I probably will dread it all the years to come. I just wish that I could have both Mya & Ella, and I know that's not possible, but I still wish. I have come to terms with Mya's death, and I have begun to understand that without her leaving me, I'd never get to see one of the most beautiful smiles I've ever seen. I'd never get kisses from the most beautiful girl I'd ever layed eyes on. I'd never know or love Ella. I couldn't imagine my life without her.

Today, Mya, I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart soul. I will always love you and I hope that in heaven they have angel days, because you deserve it. Okay, now I'm so sad that I'm going to the store and buying you balloons. I'll have them just in time to send them off when your daddy gets home. If they do have angel days you have to have something from your family, that loves you and thinks of you all the time.

Happy Angel Day, my angel.

Love, Mama

I miss her

The past couple of days I've been thinking a lot about Mya. Jayden got 2 balloons yesterday at dinner and he sent them both up to heaven. One for Mya and the other for Mr. & Mrs. Fishy. His fish died from being sucked up the filter. It was ironic that he did that, because I was thinking earlier that day about the day I found out her heart was no longer beating. I remember the awful drive home, alone, from the doctor's office. Having to be stuck in the horrible traffic crying. I remember my mom pulling up to my house as I did. Walking over to her and her hugging me and me just sobbing. I remember walking into the house and Gino making tacos, one of the things I craved the most. I remember the shirt I was wearing. I remember the pain in my heart. I swear I felt her presence recently. I don't know if it was her or the Holy Ghost comforting me, but something was with me and it made me actually stop and close my eyes and grasp on to that feeling.

I miss her. I have accepted that she's gone, why she's gone, but I miss her.

Thank you, Mya

I asked Gino the other day if he ever thinks of Mya. He said, "Not as much anymore." I thought about his reply and thought about how a year ago she was all I thought about and now a day actually does go by that I don't think of her. I've prayed many, many, many times for healing. To heal my broken heart for missing my baby. To help me to not resent my sister and my nephew. I honestly, full heartedly believe that Heavenly Father answered my prayers.

I look at Vani and I don't think of Mya. I never thought that would be possible, but it is. I even stopped wearing my necklace with Mya's ashes in it every day. Not on purpose, but sometimes life is busy and I actually forget to grab her.

I can think of her and smile and thank her for allowing Ella into our lives. If Mya never said Goodbye, Ella would never say Hello. And that right there, bring this peace to my heart and soul and I know that Mya exists, and that she's with our Heavenly Father. She was too special for this world. She came at a time that we needed her, and her purpose was served. She brought this family from chaos to love. She saved us. I will forever be grateful to her for what she did for our family.

Thankfully we have a beautiful plan and Mya will be a part of our eternal family... I know it. I feel it in my heart, and that's what gets me through this life. We will all eventually be happy, complete and together forever.

Thank you, Mya. Thank you for everything you did for your family ~ we love you. We will always love you.

Never got to say hello - and never said goodbye

Today I feel like sharing a story about our baby that never got to say hello or goodbye. It all started on May 23, 2006. I took a pregnancy test at work and saw 2 lines. I was so happy! My sister was 1 month pregnant and it was so exciting that we were going to be pregnant together. Our babies were going to be best friends. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart and we always joked that we would deliver on the same day. Feeling this baby move inside of me was amazing. With every kick and every flutter I grew more and more attached and my love for this baby kept getting stronger and stronger. Jayden, being an only child for 4 1/2 years was so excited to finally have a sibling. I heard her heart beat and it was strong and it was amazing. I even recorded it w/my phone since Gino couldn't make it to the appointment.

September 5, 2006 I went in for my regular scheduled prenatal appointment. Keep in mind that the night before as I lay on my bed watching Prison Break I could feel this baby moving all around. September 5, 2006 was a Tuesday. I had an appointment that Friday w/the Ultrasound techs to find out what my baby was and of course to make sure she was growing strong. On this Tuesday I was wearing my green tank top babydoll type maternity shirt from The Gap. I'll never forget it for some reason. I lay there on the table and the doctor was searching for the baby's heartbeat. He said, "I think I hear movement in there, but I just can't catch a heart beat. How about we go over and do a quick ultrasound to check everything." He left the room and I was so excited! I called my mom and Gino and told them both that I was going to ultrasound and I'd call them as soon as I know the sex. The thought of my baby being dead never crossed my mind. I finally get in and am laying on the table staring up at the screen anxious to see my baby. However, my baby wasn't moving at all. I looked at the doctor and he actually had tears in his eyes. My heart dropped. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I called my husband and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had never felt such pain in my life. We had an appointment with RAS, which does high tech ultrasounds to confirm the demise. Demise. What a horrible, ugly word. That's what the referral paper said on it. Before I left my doctor's appointment I was told that I have options. I can either have my labor induced or I can be put to sleep and they'd basically going in like a D&C and take my baby out that way. I couldn't wrap my thoughts around either option.

I came home and my mom had pulled up to my house the same time I did and she just hugged me and we cried. I walked into my house and my husband had made tacos. It was the most awkward, horrible night. We still clung on to some hope that our baby was okay. That the ultrasound machine was just old and crappy and it was wrong. The next morning we woke up and went to our appointment. A really good friend of mine worked there and was staying optimistic, saying that there's still a chance. As I layed there getting the ultrasound she was in the room, and she walked out with tears in her eyes. At that moment, I knew. My world was shattered. My baby was gone. How could this happen to me? To us? Why would God take my baby away from me.

I made my decision to be put to sleep and have my baby taken out that way. I didn't want to go through the emotional effects on giving birth to a baby that had no life to it. I didn't go in until Friday, September 8, 2006. I had to have my baby inside of me all that time from Tuesday-Friday dead. I showed up to where the doctors told me to go, which was right across the street from the hospital. It was the abortion clinic. I walked in and was so disgusted. While I was there wishing with all of my heart that I had my baby, there were girls there killing theirs. While I believe to each their own, I am not for abortion. I hated myself for the decision I had made. I hated that my baby was just going to be thrown away like all of these other babies. When I walked in the nurses took me straight to the back to sit with another nurse. I was a "special case" and was to be kept away from the others who were there willingly. My husband could not stay with me. I decided that I needed to get ahold of a funeral home to come and pick up my baby. I was not about to throw her away. So, I felt a little more peace with that decision. We named Mya Marie and had her cremated. I have a heart urn necklace that I wear close to my heart with some of her ashes in it.

It took me a while to face my sister. I loved her and I was truly happy for her, but I hated that she had her baby and I didn't have mine. She was still pregnant and I wasn't. She went on to give birth January 26, 2007 to a healthy, beautiful baby boy who is my favorite nephew.

It's been 1 year 6 months 1 day since we lost our baby girl and Jayden still talks about his sister Mya. He still prays to Heavenly Father and asks him to watch over her and make sure she doesn't fall on the clouds. She is a strong part of our family and I love her as much as I love my other 2 living babies.

I've learned a strong lesson through the loss of a baby. I was blessed 3 months later with a positive pregnancy test. August 14, 2007 I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. We named her Ella Marie - Marie is after her big sister that she'll meet someday in heaven. The lesson that I've learned is that sometimes we don't understand why God does the things he does. We're not supposed to understand. If I didn't lose Mya, I wouldn't have Ella. It makes me happy to know that when I am called to come home to heaven that I will have a precious soul waiting for me. I will finally get to say hello and will never have to say goodbye.