I'm gonna ramble here

I'm here to ramble. To get how I feel out, so I don't drive people crazy with it later ~ you're more than welcome to stick around and hear me out :)


I think it's kind of been hitting me lately that I'm not pregnant. Especially when I hear about other people expecting. It almost stabs me in the heart a bit, because I SHOULD BE THERE! I should be struggling with morning sickness, getting close to little flutters in my stomach. Dang it! I'm sad.


I feel so torn, because while I'd love to jump right back into the TTC action, I know that there's a couple of things that need to be taken care of first.  

• I need to get my hormones checked.  I really feel like my progesterone issues that I had with the Mirena might have had a little something to do with losing this baby.  SO I have to go in and get my hormones all checked and make sure that I'm okay in that department.

• Next... I REALLY want to lose some weight before getting pregnant again.  I don't want to go into this pregnancy unhealthy, so if I could drop even 20 lbs before getting pregnant I'd be THRILLED.... if I lost a bit more I wouldn't be too sad about that.

• I want to get finished with my Unfinished Business list.

Then I can make a baby ~ when it does happen though I think we'll keep it to ourselves for a while ~ because if we have a repeat I dread telling people.

Just a Motivating Monday - Our Choice

If you're just joining in:
-Write a blog post about ANYTHING at all that inspires you, or something you feel will inspire others. 

-Please link back to Garibay Soup 

-Please snag my Just a Motivating button on your post.

-I hope that we can all go and visit each other's blogs and read what everyone has linked up ~ I hope that this carnival can bring more traffic for you :) So, spread the comment love!


Life gives us mountains to climb, and if we stop at the bottom we never know what beauty lies up at the top.


I don't fully understand why we have to be dealt tragic things to deal with.  Loss, divorce, money issues, death... the list can go on and on and on.  There are so many life challenging things that we have to go through, and during these times the majority of us can buckle to our knees and throw in the towel.  A majority of us forget to turn our worries over to God trusting in Him that things will work out, because THEY ALWAYS DO.


This past week I went through another pregnancy loss.  I think that one main thing that got me through it is focusing on positive things.  The last time I went through this I didn't do this, I buckled to my knees and felt like my entire world was colliding all around me.  This time, I felt my pain inside, but I knew that I had to keep going.... I had to find out what beauty is lying ahead of me.  Last time it ended up being a beautiful little girl I call Ella... this time, we'll find out soon.


I was going to base my Just a Motivating Monday on pregnancy loss, but we all are struggling with something in our lives.  Something that has us sad, stressed, worried, sickened... something that we can charge head on and defeat with happiness.  But the thing is.... it's your choice.  It's your choice how you handle the hardships in your life.  It's your choice when you will be happy again.  It's YOUR CHOICE.  So, how are you going to choose this week?


Here's how I'm choosing:


I just lost another baby that was growing inside of me, but....

• I'm going to continue being a good mom and wife
• I'm going to write out my goals and accomplish them
• I'm going to smile when I get out of bed, because despite tragedy.... I'm still living
• I CHOOSE to make the best out of each day
• I CHOOSE to not let a day go by where I allow sadness or regret to take over my day
• 
  

We choose the outcomes of every situation... good or bad.  Unfortunately we don't to choose the tragedies and unfortunate events that happen to us, but we get to choose to embrace it for what it is and grow from it.

January 18, 2010 ~ Another Day of Loss

There's little things about that dreadful day a little over 3 years ago that I remember. The color of my shirt, the time of day, the lonely feeling I felt... things that will forever be burned into my memory.

Yesterday things are still vivid in my mine... I'm sure that the way they'll stay.  Some things will fade with time, but some I'll forever remember.  I remember the excitement my nurse had seeing back in there, the talking of Ella already getting the teenager attitude at the age of 2, the talking of Mya and how sad that was to deal with, the talking of my nurse's tween driving her batty with her new teenager attitude.  I remember waiting forever for my appointment and actually thinking to myself at one point.... it's okay that I'm waiting, because it's that much longer of being pregnant in case something goes wrong.  Yes, unfortunately when you've gone through a loss as extreme as my loss with Mya you can't help but think this way.

The doctor came in... I really do like her.  She delivered Ella, my nephew, my cousin's baby and she's giggly and easy to talk to.  We just talked about Ella's heart problem... the possibility of this baby getting it, how hard it is to catch in the womb, and then......

the ultrasound machine came in.  My uterus tilts to the back, so it was hard to get the baby on the screen, but we could see it.  With as many pregnancies as I've had, as many ultrasounds I know what to look for.  I know where the heart should be, and when I don't see a flicker, I know there's a problem.  I looked at my doctor's face and saw the concern... SHI*!  Not again.

She turns it off after printing a weird picture for me, and tells me, well let's just send you next door.  That's where the good ultrasounds are.  Her's sucked and she wasn't sure if it was her angle.  I knew.  I had to wait for 45 minutes to get in to see if my baby was "viable" as the referral paper stated.

A couple walked in.  At first I wanted to tell them to please let me go in front of them, because I just couldn't take the waiting anymore..... I am here to see if my baby is alive.  Then I saw her tears.  Her drinking her water and her husband with the same glazed over look my husband had when we went to "confirm demise" {as the referral paper said} of Mya.  That took my attention off myself real quick.  I still had a chance.  Even though for the past few days I've known that there wasn't another soul in my body, because I felt something wasn't right, I still had a chance.  This girl did not.  This girl was extremely pregnant, and all I wanted to do at that moment was hug her.  Tell her that I know that what she's feeling at this moment feels like you'll never recover, but God will hold you.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't go to this stranger and hug her, hell... she didn't know me.  She doesn't know why I'm in that room.... waiting to get the same news she's about to receive.

She too was a patient of my doctor's, and my doctor was not having a good day.  2 patients back to back with lifeless babies in them.

After that poor woman left the office bawling and feeling her entire world crash all around her, they called my name.  It was time and I layed on the table, closed my eyes and didn't want to watch.  But I had to.  I had to get that glimpse of my baby.  It measured at 8 weeks 1 day, I should be 8 weeks 4 day, so that's close enough that everything could be okay..... but nope.

No heart beat.  Another baby gone.  I don't get it.  I have a hard time grasping why God allows drug addicts to have babies, horrible moms who beat their children, and then there's good parents who love their kids, care for their kids.... he takes them.  I know, from experience that there is a reason.  I know that had I not lost Mya I wouldn't have Ella.  I get that.  But the whole process just down right SUCKS!

This was what went on that dreadful Monday, Januray 18, 2010.  Not a very good start to the New Year, the new decade, but I have to hold myself together.  I have to be strong and appreciate the beautiful blessings that God has blessed me with.  There are woman out there who don't have children and all they have is loss after loss after loss.  I know that I can have another baby.  After my loss with Mya I had a perfectly beautiful kindof healthy little girl Miss Ella.  I say kindof healthy, because while she is one of the healthiest little girls she does have her heart problem.

I'm going to be okay.  I think my main thing right now is I really don't want to talk about it.  When people call me I'd rather talk about life and things going on rather than my loss.  There is nothing they can say that's going to make me feel better or change what happened.  So, people.... don't be offended if I cut you off and don't want to talk about it.  I find my ways, twitter, blog world and unfortunately I feel more comfortable talking about it there.  With woman who have been through this and strangely know what to say.  I appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, but when we get on the phone please don't talk about it.  I'm not trying to be rude at all, it's just something I'd rather not talk out loud about at this time.  

Another Loss... Another Heartache... Another Trial... I Cling to HOPE

I've learned that God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I've learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.


One thing I hadn't learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.


It's been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya.  Probably the worst day of my life.


Today marks day 1.  Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine.  A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on.  Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can't tell goodbye.


I'm numb.  I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can't find anymore tears.  I don't want to talk to people.  I haven't even talked to my mom.  I just know that there's nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better.  My baby is dead.  In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life.  Maybe I'm in denial.


Tomorrow I'm dreading a bit.  I'll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out.  I'll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.


But I also know that my life is going to go on.  I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today.  I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope.  Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl.  Hope is what gets us through this life.


I have hope.  I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.


I don't know how I will be feeling tomorrow.  I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.


I'm not ready to write about what happened today.  Maybe tomorrow.  But today I'm not ready.


Please keep us in your prayers.