Another Loss... Another Heartache... Another Trial... I Cling to HOPE

I've learned that God doesn't give you what you can't handle. I've learned that when you hurt so badly inside that you think you might not survive, you amazingly do.


One thing I hadn't learned until today is that God can give you one excruciating thing to deal with more than once.


It's been 3 years, 4 months, 1 week, 6 days since I lost Mya.  Probably the worst day of my life.


Today marks day 1.  Day 1 of losing yet another baby of mine.  A baby that I wanted, a baby that I grew to love, a baby that I dreamed of, a baby that I planned on.  Another baby that never said hello, and another baby I can't tell goodbye.


I'm numb.  I cried a lot today, maybe enough, because I can't find anymore tears.  I don't want to talk to people.  I haven't even talked to my mom.  I just know that there's nothing anybody can say to me to fix this, to make me feel better.  My baby is dead.  In all honestly what I need right now is the normalcy of life.  Maybe I'm in denial.


Tomorrow I'm dreading a bit.  I'll be put to sleep once again in order to have what used to be life growing inside of me taken out.  I'll come home with an empty womb, an empty heart, an empty soul.


But I also know that my life is going to go on.  I have 2 beautiful children that embraced me with smiles and hugs and kisses all throughout today.  I have a beautiful life, a wonderful husband, and I know that even though I might have a feeling hopelessness inside of me, there is hope.  Hope is what I have needed to cling onto when I lost my little girl.  Hope is what gets us through this life.


I have hope.  I have hope that I will have another baby in my life again.


I don't know how I will be feeling tomorrow.  I will home with my empty womb, my empty heart, my empty soul, but I can promise you that I will cling on to hope.


I'm not ready to write about what happened today.  Maybe tomorrow.  But today I'm not ready.


Please keep us in your prayers.