January 18, 2010 ~ Another Day of Loss

There's little things about that dreadful day a little over 3 years ago that I remember. The color of my shirt, the time of day, the lonely feeling I felt... things that will forever be burned into my memory.

Yesterday things are still vivid in my mine... I'm sure that the way they'll stay.  Some things will fade with time, but some I'll forever remember.  I remember the excitement my nurse had seeing back in there, the talking of Ella already getting the teenager attitude at the age of 2, the talking of Mya and how sad that was to deal with, the talking of my nurse's tween driving her batty with her new teenager attitude.  I remember waiting forever for my appointment and actually thinking to myself at one point.... it's okay that I'm waiting, because it's that much longer of being pregnant in case something goes wrong.  Yes, unfortunately when you've gone through a loss as extreme as my loss with Mya you can't help but think this way.

The doctor came in... I really do like her.  She delivered Ella, my nephew, my cousin's baby and she's giggly and easy to talk to.  We just talked about Ella's heart problem... the possibility of this baby getting it, how hard it is to catch in the womb, and then......

the ultrasound machine came in.  My uterus tilts to the back, so it was hard to get the baby on the screen, but we could see it.  With as many pregnancies as I've had, as many ultrasounds I know what to look for.  I know where the heart should be, and when I don't see a flicker, I know there's a problem.  I looked at my doctor's face and saw the concern... SHI*!  Not again.

She turns it off after printing a weird picture for me, and tells me, well let's just send you next door.  That's where the good ultrasounds are.  Her's sucked and she wasn't sure if it was her angle.  I knew.  I had to wait for 45 minutes to get in to see if my baby was "viable" as the referral paper stated.

A couple walked in.  At first I wanted to tell them to please let me go in front of them, because I just couldn't take the waiting anymore..... I am here to see if my baby is alive.  Then I saw her tears.  Her drinking her water and her husband with the same glazed over look my husband had when we went to "confirm demise" {as the referral paper said} of Mya.  That took my attention off myself real quick.  I still had a chance.  Even though for the past few days I've known that there wasn't another soul in my body, because I felt something wasn't right, I still had a chance.  This girl did not.  This girl was extremely pregnant, and all I wanted to do at that moment was hug her.  Tell her that I know that what she's feeling at this moment feels like you'll never recover, but God will hold you.  But I couldn't.  I couldn't go to this stranger and hug her, hell... she didn't know me.  She doesn't know why I'm in that room.... waiting to get the same news she's about to receive.

She too was a patient of my doctor's, and my doctor was not having a good day.  2 patients back to back with lifeless babies in them.

After that poor woman left the office bawling and feeling her entire world crash all around her, they called my name.  It was time and I layed on the table, closed my eyes and didn't want to watch.  But I had to.  I had to get that glimpse of my baby.  It measured at 8 weeks 1 day, I should be 8 weeks 4 day, so that's close enough that everything could be okay..... but nope.

No heart beat.  Another baby gone.  I don't get it.  I have a hard time grasping why God allows drug addicts to have babies, horrible moms who beat their children, and then there's good parents who love their kids, care for their kids.... he takes them.  I know, from experience that there is a reason.  I know that had I not lost Mya I wouldn't have Ella.  I get that.  But the whole process just down right SUCKS!

This was what went on that dreadful Monday, Januray 18, 2010.  Not a very good start to the New Year, the new decade, but I have to hold myself together.  I have to be strong and appreciate the beautiful blessings that God has blessed me with.  There are woman out there who don't have children and all they have is loss after loss after loss.  I know that I can have another baby.  After my loss with Mya I had a perfectly beautiful kindof healthy little girl Miss Ella.  I say kindof healthy, because while she is one of the healthiest little girls she does have her heart problem.

I'm going to be okay.  I think my main thing right now is I really don't want to talk about it.  When people call me I'd rather talk about life and things going on rather than my loss.  There is nothing they can say that's going to make me feel better or change what happened.  So, people.... don't be offended if I cut you off and don't want to talk about it.  I find my ways, twitter, blog world and unfortunately I feel more comfortable talking about it there.  With woman who have been through this and strangely know what to say.  I appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, but when we get on the phone please don't talk about it.  I'm not trying to be rude at all, it's just something I'd rather not talk out loud about at this time.