3 Years Ago Today - We miss you, Mya

I'm strong. I can hold myself together and put a smile on my face when I shouldn't. I can justify anything and look for the light at the end of the tunnel. But I need to remember that I don't always have to do this. It's okay for me to be mad, upset, depressed, disappointed.


3 years ago today my daughter died. 3 years ago today I cried and cried and prayed that it wasn't true. Prayed that the next day when we went for the confirmation of demise u/s there would be a heart beat. 3 years ago today I clutched my stomach where my once moving baby kicked me to feel nothing. That's not okay. I know that if there was no Mya there'd be no Ella, but maybe... maybe Ella would have just come later. Maybe I would have been able to have both girls. It's not okay to have to lose something that you love so much, lose something you've never met, but know as well as you know yourself.


Pregnancy loss is one of the most heartbreaking things to go through. I could not fathom losing one of my babies that I've seen their beautiful faces and got to know there personalities, because that in itself is unfathomable, but strangely.... I think that losing Mya was almost just as bad. No, I didn't ever get to know her, but I did get to feel her. I already loved her, I already had her future planned out for what I wished for her. My son was excited, my husband would put his hand on my stomach to feel her flutter into it. She loved Tacos {my BIGGEST craving with her} 3 years ago today I ate tacos for the last time of her being inside of me... I'm sad that she wasn't still with me to enjoy them.


I am sad that time goes on without her. I am sad that time is starting to heal, and there are days that go by that she isn't on my mind.  I am sad that our family is happy, happier than we've ever been and she isn't here to get to experience that happiness with us. 


I wonder if she visits us ever.  I wonder if she is there waiting for us.  I wonder if she loves us as much as we love her.  I wonder if when we send her balloons that she gets them.  I wonder if God tells her about me, since I didn't get to tell her about Him.  I wonder if they have angel celebrations in heaven and if September 5th is a joyous day for her, because they're celebrating her.


This is the 1st year that we didn't celebrate "Her" day on this day ~ Gino worked today and we decided that tomorrow will be all about Mya.  Tomorrow she will get her balloons, tomorrow she will get a note from her mom, tomorrow will be her day... and I feel guilty that it won't be on "Her" day.


Mya, I love you so much.