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Garibay Soup: My Heart is Shattered...

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

My Heart is Shattered...

It's been 3 years, 2 months, 3 weeks & 6 days since my baby girl left me. Through this time I have always felt her close to me. I have a necklace and her ashes are in it. That necklace means more to me than ANYTHING. It's the last thing I have of her. To some it might be creepy, but to me it is beautiful. On the front we had Our Angel Mya inscribed, on the back is the date we found out that she had passed 9/5/06. The inscriptions are beginning to fade. This is something I always envisioned cherishing all my life.  I wanted to be buried with it.



Those who are close to me know how important this necklace is to me.... 


It's gone.


Flushed down the toilet.


My heart is in shambles.


And I don't even know how to describe the feelings I am feeling right now. Anger, sadness, fury, hopeless.


I was seconds away from saving it... I saw her in the bathroom holding that necklace and said "NO!" and went running as she chucked it in the toilet and flushed it.... I LOST IT! It felt like I lost her all over again. I feel like somebody punched me in my stomach.


I can't be angry at her. She's 2. She knew how badly it effected me when she saw me screaming and crying like somebody died. She started shooshing me and assuring me that Daddy will get it. And saying sorry over and over again. He won't get it. He can't get it. It's gone. It took a huge piece of my heart with it.


I still do have some ashes of her's in a box. But for some reason, it doesn't feel like it's the same. That necklace got me through losing her.  


I just want it back.

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17 Comments:

Blogger Chelle said...

Oh, honey, I am so, so sorry. Words cannot express how very sorry I am. {{hugs}}

December 2, 2009 at 2:01 PM  
Blogger Twin-Spiration said...

So sorry friend. God bless you...I know it was hard for you today.
Love you!

December 2, 2009 at 8:17 PM  
Anonymous Sammy said...

OMG Amanda...I'm in tears right now. Living through that with you...I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I'm so so so sorry. Please call me if you need, I'll be here to listen.
Love you.

December 2, 2009 at 8:29 PM  
Blogger The Gosfam said...

I am so sorry. I wish there was more I could say. Thinking of you.

December 2, 2009 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Nikia, May & da kids said...

i'm so sorry and what a sweet little girl to shoosh you and tell you daddy will get it. it will get better.

))hugs((

may

December 2, 2009 at 9:18 PM  
Blogger DysFUNctional Mom said...

I'm so sorry.
xoxo

December 2, 2009 at 10:30 PM  
Blogger Sarah R said...

Oh no! I am so sorry, Amanda. I know how much that necklace meant to you. (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) I wish there was a way I could bring it back for you; how sad...

December 3, 2009 at 8:11 AM  
Blogger Jenni Saake (a.k.a. InfertilityMom) said...

There are no words for a fitting reply. So I offer the only thing I can, my prayers and a huge {{{hug}}} that I pray reaches your heart in some small way through the reaches of cyberspace. Sharing your tears right now...

It did touch my heart though that "Daddy will get it back." What a beautiful picture of trust that your husband is your daughter's hero and that in her eyes he can "fix anything/everything". Praying that God will do the same with your re-broken heart. {{{hugs}}}

December 3, 2009 at 8:14 AM  
Blogger Mothers' Hideaway said...

I'm so sorry Amanda. I can't even imagine the anguish you feel. I'm sorry you have to experience a sense of loss all over again. (hugs)

December 3, 2009 at 1:41 PM  
Blogger Becky said...

omg that is so tragic. i'm so sorry amanda!

December 4, 2009 at 10:07 AM  
Blogger Mama Michie (aka Michaela) said...

I'm so sorry. {{hugs}}

December 4, 2009 at 9:27 PM  
Blogger Samantha @ Mama Notes said...

Oh Amanda, I am so so sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers girl

December 5, 2009 at 9:14 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

Sending you cyber hugs, Amanda... I am so sorry. The things that can't be replaced are the hardest to part with. She will always be a part of your heart & soul.

December 6, 2009 at 11:06 PM  
Blogger BoufMom9 said...

OMGosh! I am so sorry. I can not imagine.... how very sad :(

December 7, 2009 at 12:05 PM  
Blogger Bay said...

Ugh, Amanda, I am so sorry!! I feel so heart-broken for you; I can't even begin to imagine how awful it was to lose *down the toilet* of all places :(
Sending love your way.
(and sorry this is a week late)

December 9, 2009 at 6:54 PM  
Blogger Elaine said...

Oh, Amanda.... I am SO sorry!!! I can't tell you enough how sorry I am... I hope God will find a way to give you comfort at this time in your life.


clothedmuch.blogspot.com

December 11, 2009 at 5:23 PM  
Blogger Stefany said...

OH honey, I am so sorry!

Have your hubs check the pipe just to make sure it is really gone.

I wish I could do something for you.

December 15, 2009 at 9:00 PM  

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