Never got to say hello - and never said goodbye

Today I feel like sharing a story about our baby that never got to say hello or goodbye. It all started on May 23, 2006. I took a pregnancy test at work and saw 2 lines. I was so happy! My sister was 1 month pregnant and it was so exciting that we were going to be pregnant together. Our babies were going to be best friends. Our due dates were 2 weeks apart and we always joked that we would deliver on the same day. Feeling this baby move inside of me was amazing. With every kick and every flutter I grew more and more attached and my love for this baby kept getting stronger and stronger. Jayden, being an only child for 4 1/2 years was so excited to finally have a sibling. I heard her heart beat and it was strong and it was amazing. I even recorded it w/my phone since Gino couldn't make it to the appointment.

September 5, 2006 I went in for my regular scheduled prenatal appointment. Keep in mind that the night before as I lay on my bed watching Prison Break I could feel this baby moving all around. September 5, 2006 was a Tuesday. I had an appointment that Friday w/the Ultrasound techs to find out what my baby was and of course to make sure she was growing strong. On this Tuesday I was wearing my green tank top babydoll type maternity shirt from The Gap. I'll never forget it for some reason. I lay there on the table and the doctor was searching for the baby's heartbeat. He said, "I think I hear movement in there, but I just can't catch a heart beat. How about we go over and do a quick ultrasound to check everything." He left the room and I was so excited! I called my mom and Gino and told them both that I was going to ultrasound and I'd call them as soon as I know the sex. The thought of my baby being dead never crossed my mind. I finally get in and am laying on the table staring up at the screen anxious to see my baby. However, my baby wasn't moving at all. I looked at the doctor and he actually had tears in his eyes. My heart dropped. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I called my husband and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I had never felt such pain in my life. We had an appointment with RAS, which does high tech ultrasounds to confirm the demise. Demise. What a horrible, ugly word. That's what the referral paper said on it. Before I left my doctor's appointment I was told that I have options. I can either have my labor induced or I can be put to sleep and they'd basically going in like a D&C and take my baby out that way. I couldn't wrap my thoughts around either option.

I came home and my mom had pulled up to my house the same time I did and she just hugged me and we cried. I walked into my house and my husband had made tacos. It was the most awkward, horrible night. We still clung on to some hope that our baby was okay. That the ultrasound machine was just old and crappy and it was wrong. The next morning we woke up and went to our appointment. A really good friend of mine worked there and was staying optimistic, saying that there's still a chance. As I layed there getting the ultrasound she was in the room, and she walked out with tears in her eyes. At that moment, I knew. My world was shattered. My baby was gone. How could this happen to me? To us? Why would God take my baby away from me.

I made my decision to be put to sleep and have my baby taken out that way. I didn't want to go through the emotional effects on giving birth to a baby that had no life to it. I didn't go in until Friday, September 8, 2006. I had to have my baby inside of me all that time from Tuesday-Friday dead. I showed up to where the doctors told me to go, which was right across the street from the hospital. It was the abortion clinic. I walked in and was so disgusted. While I was there wishing with all of my heart that I had my baby, there were girls there killing theirs. While I believe to each their own, I am not for abortion. I hated myself for the decision I had made. I hated that my baby was just going to be thrown away like all of these other babies. When I walked in the nurses took me straight to the back to sit with another nurse. I was a "special case" and was to be kept away from the others who were there willingly. My husband could not stay with me. I decided that I needed to get ahold of a funeral home to come and pick up my baby. I was not about to throw her away. So, I felt a little more peace with that decision. We named Mya Marie and had her cremated. I have a heart urn necklace that I wear close to my heart with some of her ashes in it.

It took me a while to face my sister. I loved her and I was truly happy for her, but I hated that she had her baby and I didn't have mine. She was still pregnant and I wasn't. She went on to give birth January 26, 2007 to a healthy, beautiful baby boy who is my favorite nephew.

It's been 1 year 6 months 1 day since we lost our baby girl and Jayden still talks about his sister Mya. He still prays to Heavenly Father and asks him to watch over her and make sure she doesn't fall on the clouds. She is a strong part of our family and I love her as much as I love my other 2 living babies.

I've learned a strong lesson through the loss of a baby. I was blessed 3 months later with a positive pregnancy test. August 14, 2007 I was blessed with a beautiful baby girl. We named her Ella Marie - Marie is after her big sister that she'll meet someday in heaven. The lesson that I've learned is that sometimes we don't understand why God does the things he does. We're not supposed to understand. If I didn't lose Mya, I wouldn't have Ella. It makes me happy to know that when I am called to come home to heaven that I will have a precious soul waiting for me. I will finally get to say hello and will never have to say goodbye.