A Sister I'll Never Have

I've never shared the story of the life my siblings have lived. I'm not talking about my dad's daughter's..... I'm talking about the siblings that came from my mom. The siblings I always considered my "real" siblings.... almost like we were full blooded. But we're not, and I've learned that actually means something.

I really loved them, and sadly when they were only 5 & 6 they went to live with their father and I didn't see them until my brother was 12 and then my sister came around again when she was 14. When they came back the weird thing is it was almost like they had never left. I loved them so much and my sister became my best friend.  

The sad thing is that love from her was extremely conditional. She's the type of girl that if you don't agree with her, or piss her off in some way she can go the rest of her life never talking to you again.... and I guess she's okay living like that. I don't have a relationship with her anymore, and sadly it was he said, she said bullshit regarding her oh so wonderful boyfriend. One thing I've tried really hard to do is walk on egg shells around her, even when I don't agree with her decisions.... I keep my mouth shut. Sadly, the inevitable happened and we no longer have a relationship. Not my choice.... her's. Did it hurt? HELL YES! She was my sister and she has chosen to believe crap over what her own flesh and blood says.

I think the funniest thing about her beginning this feud with me is that she in turn went to befriend people that I wasn't getting along with. People she HATED and talked the most insane crap about.... by the way, because I defended them that gave her a reason to distance herself from me. But now we have a new best friendship that's formed and I can't laugh hard enough. I for one know that if I don't like somebody one day I sure as hell am not going to like them the next. She has no identity. Unfortunately her childhood was so screwed up that she doesn't truly know who she is.

My opinions on people don't change like that. If I like you one day, I will probably love you the rest of my life whether you're in it or not. I've never had a friend that I don't consider a friend of mine today. It's the way I've always been. In high school I was choosy on my friends, because once you become a friend of mine I'll move mountains for you..... even if we recently had a stupid spat all it takes is one phone call asking for me to be there and you bet your ass I'm RIGHT THERE! Family, not so much. I'm always there, but I've learned that I actually have to really shield my heart from them. I've never really had to shield my heart from a friend. They've always come in when the whole world has gone out, and that's why friends to me mean so much more. I don't have to walk on egg shells with them. My family.... I do.

So, I know a lot of people have their sister as their maid of honor at their wedding, and I chose not to. I chose the one person who has been solid in my life since I was in preschool.... whether I moved across the country or not, and in my eyes that makes her more a sister to me than my own blood, who is so quick to throw away what I would think is one of the most important relationships you can have.

It's taken me a while to accept the fact that I will never have a relationship with my sister. Her children will never know mine, and my children will never know of her's. I'm not going to teach my children about family that isn't really family.

I'm not perfect. I'm not sitting her saying that I'm any better than Jessica. I've grown A LOT since I was 25 ~ every year I discover more and more about who I am, and what things and people mean to me. Even in the past 6 months I feel like I've grown to just not even care about the b/s that goes on anymore. I just have discovered that life is way too short, and negative energy towards people that I actually love is not worth it. And if they choose to be a part of my life and my children's life then GREAT! But if they choose not to, then that's their deal. I know that I'm a wonderful person who only ever wants to help my friends and family in any way I can. Those who are a part of my world and my life know this, and if you're not a part of my world and my life anymore, then I'm sure you know that when you were that's all I ever was for you.... somebody who you could ALWAYS rely on.

So while I'm not perfect, I'm going to continue nourishing the relationships in my life that matter, loving the people who are in my world, and always praying for those who aren't. I'm grateful for the wonderful friends and few family members that I do have. I do have 2 sisters that come from my dad that I have really gotten to grow to love. I am beyond blessed to have the friends that I do have in my life. Some I've had since I was a little girl, and other's just in the past couple of years... but they are nothing short of amazing.... and you all know who you are.

So, I have to let go... and this rambling post wasn't so much for my awesome readers, but more for me. I needed to get this out and put this to rest. I need to accept the fact that I don't have my sister anymore..... in fact, she's not my sister. I will always love her to death, but that doesn't give her the title of being my sister. Blood doesn't mean anything to me, when you can actually walk away from me. Hell, if it did then I'd actually call the sperm donor guy my dad HAHA.... that'll NEVER happen!

My Little Stutterer

I love Shell's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays, because I am one that REALLY loves to pour her heart out on her blog.  This week I'm dealing with something new and heartbreaking so here I go ~ 

A little over a week ago my little girl started to stutter. At first it would just be her repeating the first sound of the sentence over and over for a few times before she finally spit it out, but now it's worse. She actually will open her mouth and have such difficulty getting the word out that she just attempts trying.

This mama is HEARTBROKEN! I pray HARD that this is just some phase she's going through and she will outgrow it, and she won't stutter for the rest of her life.... because my heart can't handle her feelings getting hurt from the mean kids she'll encounter.

I made her a doctor's appointment, against everybody's advice. Even my son's speech therapist's advice. Luckily I saw him at the park and snagged him for a little insight into his brain on what we're going through.  His main advice was patience, don't put words in her mouth, basically just let her work on it on her own.  But she struggles and all I want to do is help her slow it down and give her the word she's trying to say.  

Now here's the downfall of parenting.  You hurt when they hurt and the more kids you have I think the more hurt you're going to have to feel!  With having an SPD child I've hurt a lot.  My heart has felt like it was literally stabbed when he comes home to tell me that some evil child has told him how weird he is.  My heart has been stabbed as I've watched him with his beautiful manner at the age of 5 walk up to a kid to play with him and introducing himself as Jayden, while putting his hand out to shake it ~ only for that evil child to turn around and walk away from him.

I don't want my kids to hurt more than general life already will make them hurt.  I don't want my daughter to come home crying because somebody made fun of her because no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get that word out.

I'm taking Ella to the doctors even if it's a waste of time and he tells me the exact same thing as the speech therapist told me, because I want to do everything I possibly can as early as I possibly can if this does indeed turn out to be a problem and not a phase.

I left my heart at Hertz Car Sales

Yesterday was bittersweet for me. I had to make a decision that was best for my family. My beautiful, beautiful, fun car is GONE. I can't believe I actually got rid of it, but I had to tell myself.... it's JUST a car! I need my family to be comfortable with a 3rd baby on the way.... AND the amount of money I was paying for that beautiful car was borderline INSANE.

So, I smartened up a bit and traded it in yesterday. I went from

THIS

TO THIS

PEOPLE.... I AM A MINIVAN MAMA!  The kids LOVE LOVE LOVE this car.  I cried as I left the dealership and I don't think I was really nice to the people, because they were keeping the love of my life.  But I'm okay.  It's JUST a car and I can have a car like that any other time in my life.... but right now it's not logical.  Did I mention my insurance has dropped $50 and I can only imagine how much my gas bill will drop w/not driving a hemi.

So there's the newest big change for the Garibays.

PREGNANCY UPDATE! 15 Weeks 1 Day

So, as I write this out I'm actually 15 weeks 4 days, but I'm updating on my doctor's appointment that happened on Monday.

Weight:  Total Down: 14lbs ~ Down 8lbs in 4 weeks (from my last appointment)  Doctors aren't thrilled, but what can I do.

Baby ~ heart beat was there.... always a scary moment for me when they're looking for it.  It was sortof an uneventful {that's never a bad thing} appointment.

I felt the baby move at 13 weeks exactly, but it isn't a constant thing I feel.  Sometimes I think I feel a flutter, and today it seems to have picked up a bit more.  My stomach within the past couple of days has completely bulged out and I'm finally actually looking pregnant.  This has been so bizarre for me, because normally I start showing REALLY early on... this time it's taken me almost 4 months to show at all.

Morning sickness came back in full mode, but for the past 3 days I've kept everything down!  I'm not taking any medications besides Pepcid, so maybe I'm finally getting to the point of feeling good.  Crossing my fingers!

I have a high risk u/s scheduled for 7/6/10, so I'll get to find out the sex then!  Then I have another u/s on 7/13/10.  I get high risk u/s done because of Mya.  Everything is going wonderful with this pregnancy and there's no reason to believe that anything bad could happen.  I think this baby is here to stick around... well, it better be!

I am going to start doing my belly shots on Sunday so luck you guys get to see my belly!

Ella Got Pretties!

I didn't get Ella's ears pierced when she was a baby. I think it's good to wait until they are old enough to want it themselves, but my husband disagreed with me. He wanted his baby girl to have pretties in her ear. Well, thanks to Ella's heart condition I got my way.... he was too scared it would put her in SVT.

Well, the time has come where Ella has decided she wants pretties in her ears. So, we went to the mall and had my sister (she works at an ear piercing place) pierce her ears. She did great! She only cried for a moment and then tried to get herself to stop so she could smile at herself in the mirror.

She completely looks like a little girl now.

Here's Ella with my sister right after getting her ears pierced

Ella's pretty little butterflies

Dear Ella

Please, please, please slow the heck down on the growing up! I can't believe that if I call you baby you correct me with "I'm not a baby, I'm a girl." Well, since you replace a majority of letters w/n's it sounded more like "Girln"


You've been obsessing lately over your birthday party. It's seriously the cutest thing ever! You can't wait to have your party hats and your friends over and cake. Last year we really didn't do a birthday party for you {which is totally a parent fail} but this year I can promise you you'll get your party that you're looking so forward to.


The other night you came into my room looking for your ladybug dress. You needed it because you were going to wear it to the movies and you needed me to call all of your friends so they could go with you. Ella, you aren't even officially 3 yet! You still have 2 months! I can't believe you're already such a social little butterfly that you're thinking about getting friends together and going to the movies. I just want the clock to slow down for a second, because this going way too fast.


I worry about how you'll take this new baby coming into your world. I think you'll do great and I think you'll love your baby sister or brother so much, but I still worry. I hope you always know how extremely special you are to my heart. I can't even explain or put into words how much I love your sweet, independent, loving self. I love the little girl you are growing into, and while I really wish I could pause time I can't wait to watch you grow into the beautiful young woman I know you will be.


I love you, Ella.


Love, Mama

Faith ~ Scripture Journal

Attn my dear blog readers.  I understand that my Faith is likely to be different than your's and while I may make references to my faith at times I try to speak from my heart on a certain values or subjects.  So, while you might not believe in what I believe in, you might find a little nugget from my heart that might touch your's.  And my brain is scattered and sometimes my blog posts might come off that way as well 

With that said..... 

Without faith we don't have much.  I was born LDS, but was not necessarily raised LDS.  I don't think I ever once had a sturdy go to church every Sunday structure in my life.  Honestly, I didn't know much about the church, but there was a seed that was planted in my heart at a very young age, and that seed grew.  So while I never knew much about the church my heart belonged to, in my heart and with faith I knew this church was true.

I've been studying up on Faith, which is a very important value in all of our lives.  I think this scripture pretty much sums up Faith in the most amazing way {Alma 32:17-32}.  

Without faith, what dreams would we have.  I dream big and I dream with faith.  I have faith that my dreams will come true.  I live my life knowing with faith that my family will be a family for all eternity.  Do I have perfect knowledge of this?  No, but it definitely gives me something to be thankful for.  If I had perfect knowledge would I experience the lessons in life that I experience?  Probably not. If I had perfect knowledge would there be much room for forgiveness from Heavenly Father for my sins?  Probably not.  

President Spencer W. Kimball once wrote a book called {Faith Precedes the Miracle} which is definitely on my list of must reads.  In it he talks of how men reverses the process of Faith.  Using a seed for example we plant a seed with FAITH that a blossom will form.  We don't expect to see a blossom without planting the seed, right?  We as human have reversed the process.  We expect results without exercising Faith.  I quote from President Kimball "We want to have health and strength without keeping the health laws.  We want to have prosperity without paying our tithes.  We want to be close to the Lord but don't want to fast and pray."

We have to have faith that there is a reason that God has set up our lives the way that they are set up.  We have to have faith that there is a purpose to every day.  We have to have a faith that we will be together with our families for all eternity, because could you fathom the contrary?  Faith gets us through each day, through our lives, but we have to remember that the miracle comes after Faith.  If you have a dream, you have to have faith in God that he will help you do everything possible to make that dream come true.

With parenting and marriage I think I have experienced far more faith than ever in my life.  Not only faith in God, but faith in myself, faith in my husband, faith in my children.  Parenting alone has so many trials and without faith I don't know how I'd get through my day.  Even the little things, faith that bedtime will indeed come and I will have that peace I so desperately need, faith that the tantrum being thrown will pass.  Faith that the phases that they go through that make you want to literally pull every single hair out of your head is just indeed a phase.  Faith in yourself that you are what your children need.  

Marriage, I have to have faith that my marriage will succeed all trials that it faces.  I have to have faith that he loves only me, as he has to have faith that I only love him.  We do not have perfect knowledge of these things, which is why in marriage faith is one of the most important things there is.  Faith in our sacred relationship is what helps us get through the trials.  I have faith that every trial we face is dealt to us for a reason and that there is a lesson to be learned through it.  In my marriage we have faced some ROUGH, and I mean ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH trials.  I've said it before on my blog, things people throw the towel in over and call it quits, but FAITH kept us together.  Faith that we were bigger than the trials we went through, and Faith that God would help us to get to the point we needed to be at in order to continue on with our marriage ~ and love each other.

I close this post with a quote from {Alma 32:21} "Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."