Mommy Guilt Sucks

This little guy used to be the center of my world entirely.... him and him only. He was the only baby in our family. My brother and sister hadn’t had children yet and the next baby in the family {my nephew} didn’t come until Jayden was 5. That’s 5 years of being spoiled by not only his mom & dad but my mom, my brother, and my husband’s family.

When he was 6 the next baby of the family came and that baby came directly to our little family. Miss Ella Bella.

I love how my family is growing, honestly I do ~ and the fact that we’re adding yet another to our family is beyond exciting. But my little man just keeps growing up, and our family just keeps growing. I can’t help but worry is he getting lost in the shuffle? Ever since Ella was born a lot of attention has been put on her, because of her heart. I hope I’ve never made Jayden feel like he wasn't special or important, because he is still my everything. He is still and always be my first born, and he will always be the center of my world…. This little man changed my life for the better the minute I felt him move inside me.

I think that I need to do more things with just him so that he feels special.

Now to elaborate a little more on this….

Jayden’s growing up. He’s going to be 9 in a month and he’s much more independent than his 3 year old little sister. When I’m home she literally consumes me. Ella and I have spent the last 3 years together day in and day out. She’s venturing into being little miss independent and she needs constant supervision. And now there’s going to be a newborn in a few months ~ and I’m terrified that Jayden is going to not feel important…. And I need to make sure that this doesn’t happen! I need to make sure that everyday I am making him feel special and important in some way…. And that he gets alone time with me w/no other children getting in the way.

To top all of this off, tonight as I'm frustrated and trying to get Ella to bed and my frustrations were apparently showing, Jayden says to me, "Geez! What did I ever do to you? Why do you keep yelling at me?"

*GASP* was I yelling? I didn't even realize I was yelling. I knew I felt frustrated, but in no way shape or form was it towards him. I had to grab him, hug him and apologize right then and there, because I deserved the BAD MOM award for that one.

Am I alone in feeling like this with my children?

Welcome to another week of me pouring my heart out.

and days like this too shall pass

Today I sat in my car and wanted to cry.

I had to take a deep breath and tell myself that they're just kids and unfortunately sometimes this is what kids do.

Parenting is the hardest thing besides a marriage. I'm not sure which one is harder, but they're both pretty dang hard. Parenting and marriage become not hard when you choose to give up. That is something I will never do with either.

My son is probably one of the best, well behaved little boys out there. Yet today, he was completely defiant to me. Anything I told him to do he wouldn't do.... anything I told him not to do he'd do.

I am sitting here.... literally done. My brain hurts, I'm exhausted, and I want nothing more than my children to just go to bed. And my house to be magically put back together.

But the reality is they're not going to go to bed right now, I actually will have to put this house back together manually {myself}, and this is the life of a stay at home mom.  It's exhausting yet so rewarding at the same time.  Not every day is bad, and not every day is good.... but every day I am here with them and I need to remember that they need their mother to be patient with them, and I need to remember that this will pass.  The days where my biggest concern is my son pushing my daughter on the merry go round when I asked him not to will be a day I really wish I could go back to.

These days that end with me literally drained from brain to the tips of my toes are days like this.....

and the day these little beauties of mine are all grown up and moments like these have passed I will definitely wish I could go back and soak it back in.

Jayden's Baptism

We believe in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that children are innocent and do not fully understand the difference between right and wrong until they reach the age of 8. Baptism is for the remission of sins, and a very special ordinance between Heavenly Father and yourself. We wait to baptize until the age of 8, because before this age you really haven't sinned, or understand what commitments you are making with Heavenly Father.

With that being said.... on April 10,2010 Jayden entered the waters of baptism, and it was such a wonderful and special day. We had the honor of having my Grandfather, Jayden's Great-Grandfather come up from California and baptize him. It was absolutely special!

We had great friends that all showed up to witness this special day for Jayden. We sang a couple of his favorite primary songs and had delicious chocolate cake afterwards. One thing I'll never forget is when he stepped into the baptismal font he says "HOT!" and then after he got baptized he actually started swimming in the water! Oh that boy keeps me laughing.

Jayden & his Great-Grandpa

I'm so proud of you, Jayden, for the decision that you have made.  I know that the decision that you made was the right one, and I know in my heart that this church is true.... and I'm so proud of you for taking this journey to discover it on your own.  I love you so much and I hope that you always follow your heart and listen to the Holy Spirit, because he will NOT steer you wrong.... I can promise you that.  Your relationship with Heavenly Father is such a personal one, and I hope you strive to strengthen it and grow closer and closer to him and soak in his teachings.  I love you so much.  Love, Mama

His First Meeting with Bishop

The first part of this post really isn't my Pour Your Heart Out ~ it's more towards the end.  I originally didn't write this post as a Pour Your Heart Out post, but realized that towards the end that's kinda what I did :)  

We've set the baptism date {this Saturday, 5:00pm LDS church in Ashland on Clay Street} So, if you didn't know about it, now you know about it. You can consider this your invitation :)


A picture of my favorite LDS Temple in SLC ~ Jayden loved going to this temple

Today Jayden had to go talk with the Bishop like every member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints gets to do before baptism. When we set the appointment I thought to myself... 'Uh oh! Does Jayden even know what he's doing?! Why he's getting baptized?! What the heck this all means?!' So, we sat down to ask him a few questions to see how much he knew. Even though he goes to church, loves Jesus, loves God knows that the Holy Ghost is a good thing and not a creepy thing.... he really didn't have a clue.

I've tried to explain it to the best of my abilities, and I was very pleased today when he got out of his appointment with the Bishop that Bishop said... "He did great! Answered all the questions I had right." THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! I really didn't think he was paying attention to the things I was telling him.

I'm so excited for my handsome, little man.

I look at our lives 5 years ago, when Jayden was only 3 and wow, what a difference. I never would have thought in a million years we'd be where we are at in our lives. I never thought in a million years I'd be back at church let alone bringing my entire family with me. I never thought I'd be planning my son's baptism. 5 years is a HUGE difference. 5 years ago my marriage was on the rocks, 5 years ago I never thought my family would last.... and now look at us. It makes me smile and makes feel so proud of US, because we did this together ~ and it makes me borderline emotional to think about it.  I think that we have the church to thank for where we are at in our lives right now, because it gave us the missing piece in our lives that we never knew we were missing.  It's really funny how that can happen, how you can discover that when you thought your life was complete it really wasn't.  Just another interesting little weirdness about life.

Spring Love

I took the kids out to do their spring pictures ~ and I've completely fallen in love with this one.  It shows their love.  And their love is beautiful.  Their love is perfect.  Their love is unconditional.  

I love them.

You can see more pictures from the shoot on my {PHOTO BLOG}

There is a Friend

There is a friend!


And my heart feels THAT much better.


Not all kids at Jayden's school are devils mean.


And I wish I had a camera to see the looks on their faces today as they saw each other at Costco.

A girl.  

Jayden and this girl stood in front of each other, arms to their sides, HUGE grins on their faces...


Jayden says, "Hi, Anya, how's your day?"


She replies... "It's good Jayden how is your's?"


and more awkward, silly, cute grins.  Then she says....

"I'll see you at school, Buddy."

She called him Buddy.

Kids are SO Mean!

I'm still a bit upset about {THIS POST}, because Jayden's still upset. He's such a cute, sweet, hard to not love boy. I don't get how he doesn't have friends. I don't get how kids are so mean to him.

To be honest I would honestly like to pull him out of school and keep here where I can protect his feelings. He has such an amazing teacher though, and his school is REALLY helping him with his reading and doing things with him I probably would be no good at.

Nothing's worse than going out to the playground and not having friends to play with, or to go through elementary school not having a friend. And what's even worse is when you are the parent that knows your son has no friends. They throw his shoes in puddles, call him a loser, when he's so much more than they are. Both Gino and I have told him... Stand up for yourself, Jayden. You have OUR permission to do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from little asshole children {okay, we didn't say asshole children to him.... but that's what they are!} And you know what he says.... It's not right. It's not right to be mean to other children.

Jayden, I'm going to tell you right now that I know you were put on this earth for things that are so wonderful, because you are so wonderful. 

Mr. Jayden Garibay

I absolutely enjoy this little man of mine :) Conversations with him always make me giggle and smile. So I want to start video recording him talking more. So I introduce to you ~ my little Jayden Garibay.

3/17/10 Jayden from Amanda Garibay on Vimeo.

Dear Jayden

Dear Jayden,

I just want you to know how special you are to me. Your little personality really shines through, and your soul is perfect. So perfect that sometimes I wonder why God put you on this earth. What exactly is your purpose? I think it's to do great things.

People who have had the absolute pleasure of knowing you know exactly what I'm talking about. Your scouts leader always tells me how special you are, how sweet you are ~ and it just warms my heart, because I know. I don't know what it is about you that is different from all the other kids, from all the other boys, but it's definitely special.

We had our parent teacher conference and your teacher absolutely loves you as well, but she is a bit concerned. It's something I know, and for some reason it's something I'm scared to get diagnosed, but we are going to start the process of finding out if you are indeed Autistic. I don't care, because at the end of the day you're just my Jayden. You are my beautiful little soul that was put on this earth to do great things.

I absolutely know without a doubt that you have Sensory Processing Disorder, and the reasons why your teacher wants to get you tested for Autism is because sometimes you go somewhere ~ nowhere far, but it's almost like a little imaginary world that you can easily be snapped out of when talked to. So, you may just have a great imagination ~ but I just want you to know that NO MATTER WHAT you are perfect. I couldn't have had a more perfect little soul bless my life than you. I have never in my entire life met a boy that is as sweet, caring, honest, faithful, and has integrity like you. Never... and I'm not just saying that because you are my son, because I'm not the only one that sees this.

I love you, Jayden ~ I love you forever and always

Love, Mom

Letters for my babies

Dear Jayden,


Last night your dad and I were talking about how special you are. I know that every parent in the world thinks their kids are special, have a special soul, but we're not the only ones that see it with you. Your soul is different, Jayden. Most kids your age aren't concerned with the things you're concerned about. Most kids your age aren't as loving as you are. Your boyscout pack leader tonight told me how sweet and special you are. Jayden, your soul is so pure and I find it hard to think that it could ever change.... I told your pack leader, hey we just might have the next prophet right here. I love you, Jayden. You brighten my world and make my heart sing. I want you to know that I will ALWAYS be here for you... no matter what. You will always be my baby.


Love, Mama






Dear Ella,


I just want you to know that you are a complete joy to my life. I catch myself just staring at you while smiling. I catch myself praying to Heavenly Father just to thank Him for
blessing me with you. I tell you all day long that you and your brother are my best friends. Ella, I just absolutely adore you and I want you to always know that. I want you to always know that you are so special to me and I will ALWAYS be here for you.... no matter what.


Love, Mama

His BFF is Gone... and I'm so sad :(

This year when Jayden started 2nd grade and started is Mrs. Rice's class he made his first BFF. Jayden had been through K-1 without a BFF.  I don't know if this is normal.  I don't know if it's because Jayden is different (IMO in the BEST way possible) but I do know that when he got moved to Mrs. Robert's class and he was no longer in Isaiah's class I learned that Jayden had truly found his BFF.  


Isaiah would come to my car ever, single day after school to ask if they could have a play date.  They now only had 1 recess together and yet they still remained so close.  I loved this.  I loved that Jayden finally knew what it was like have that one best friend!  


Today he came home and I asked him if he played with Isaiah at recess and he said no, he moved to California.


MY HEART ALMOST STOPPED!


His best friend is gone.  No goodbye.... just gone.  And my heart is completely aching for him.  I remember when we were considering moving to Colorado and he said to me, "But I can't leave Isaiah, Mom."  SIGH I could ramble on and on all night long... I really could. 


I was moved around a lot as kid...... seriously here's how it goes:


K - started in Jackson, CA ended in Lodi, CA
1 - started in Lodi, CA ended in Jackson, CA
2- completely in Jackson, CA - wow... a year of stability :)  
3- started in Jackson, CA ended in Ely, NV
4 - Ely, NV
5 - Started in Ely, NV ended in Fallon, NV
6- Started in Fallon, NV, moved to Ely, NV, then moved to Jackson, CA then back to Ely, NV 
7- Full year in Boarding School in Sheridan, OR Delphi
8- Started in Fallon, NV ended in Jackson, CA
9- Started in Jackson, CA, then went to New Haven in UT
10- Sacramento, CA Country Day School for the entire year
11-12 home study and graduate early


and the kicker.... I was not a military brat.  Nope.... that's just the life of a dysfunctional family for you.


That my friends is some absolute craziness, and that my friends is why I am so adamant about staying planted where we are.  I want my kids to be in ONE place.  Luckily for me, for the most part I kept going back to places I had already made friends.... so I'd just pick up where I left.  Through all that moving around though I kept one friend through it all... her name is Jenise.  Jenise and I actually started Kindergarten together in Jackson, CA.... the first place on my crazy school list.  Today, with me living in Oregon and her in Sacramento we are still best friends.  We will always be best friends!  


I was hoping that Isaiah was going to be Jayden's best friend like Jenise was mine.  I'm so heartbroken that they won't be.

Pregnant Woman & Their Tempers

My patience was very close to non existent today. I don't know what my deal was {maybe the fact that I'm pregnant had something to do with it} but my son definitely could feel it.


Tonight he told me:


Mom, you know your temper you had today. Pregnant woman have to take their temper WAY down, because your heart can start beating really fast and then your baby will cry.


So, you just have to 1, 2, 3 and {he took a deep breath}


And I just love him so much.

Another Year... Another Decade... Another Recap

This isn't only the close of another year, but another decade. A decade that for me seem to fly by too quickly. Let's first do a breakdown on 2009:


Recapping on this year that almost seems like a blur, a few things stand out in my mind.

• Once again, we almost lost our precious Ella this time to a MAJOR accident. She overdosed on her heart medication, but thankfully right after she received her blessing from dear friends in our church she did nothing but get better. There was a horribly, scary chance that she wouldn't make it.

• Jayden started 2nd Grade! The teacher that he started out with was absolutely WONDERFUL! But budget cuts made it so that there were over 30 kids in his class, so the school made a decision and some kids went to a 1st/2nd grade mixed class.... Jayden was chosen and went back to his 1st Grade teacher!!! I absolutely LOVE Mrs. Roberts and even though at first this change was a little irritating, we all adjusted well.

• Gino has dedicated himself to going to the gym EVERY, SINGLE DAY! I have to say I am beyond excited for him.

• Gino and I partnered with a company that is exploding in our life! I can't even begin to describe the success that we now have at our finger tips. We are with a telecommunications company that only continues to go up during our economy. We feel EXTREMELY grateful that this was placed in our lives. If you are currently unhappy with your current JOB (you know, Just Over Broke) or are open to making extra income VERY PART TIME then get in touch with me. My goal this year is to get as many moms and dads out of the corporate world, home with their families, and having financial freedom.

• Last but definitely not least.... we have learned in the last month of this year that we will be welcoming a new baby into our family in 2010!!!

Now on to the decade.....


2000: We met
2001: We had our first son
2004: We got married
2006: Our marriage was tested, but we prevailed. We got pregnant     w/our 2nd baby... only to lose
her before she was born. Then got pregnant with our 3rd baby... Miss Ella
2007: Welcomed our baby girl Ella into the world. Discovered how precious life is as we almost
lost her to her heart problem.
2009: Partnered with a multi-billion dollar company that is changing our lives. Found out that we will be having
yet another little Garibay in our world


This past decade has definitely been based around our family. Learning who we are. Growing together instead of apart.


This decade that we are entering into is going to be the decade that we make a bang! It's going to be the decade where we focus on personal growth. Where we gain complete financial freedom. Where we change not only our life for the better but the lives of all our children and their children to come. And I'll be blogging my way through it all.

My Beautiful, Beautiful Babies

It was FREEZING!!!!!!! My poor kids were suffering....I'm going to try to get some pictures of them again... maybe on Christmas when we're in California... but these ones are so precious I thought I'd share.

Who Does That???

When I remember one of my hilarious conversations with Jayden I made a note to blog it.... tonight's was CLASSIC!


I reminded him that tomorrow at school they will be making ginger bread houses and this was how the conversation went down:


Jayden: I'm not doing it. They're not using gingerbread, Mom, they're using like milk containers... you know, like the chocolate milks that I get at school.


Me: So... why aren't you doing it.


Jayden: Because I'm not going to get in the trash and get one. That is disgusting! Who does that?


Me: WOW.... LMAO!!!!


I really, really wish I had caught it on voice recorder.




And that my friends is a kid with Sensory Processing Disorder.... and OCD.

Take a Moment... treasure your babies

Sometimes in life things just don't go the way you planned them out. You may see things one way, and other people see them another. Maybe you're right... maybe they're right. At the end of the day it doesn't matter. 

Today in the havoc of drama that just makes my head spin and really question people that are in my life, a mother lost her baby.  Her 2 year old son was ripped from her life in a horribly tragic way.  It sure makes you stop and appreciate what you do have.  I have embraced my kids and loved their smiles, their hugs and their giggles tonight.  I've mourned with a woman I've never met, because that's what our twitter and blog world does.  We mourn together, we cry together, we get through life together.

Tonight.... I'm going to shut this computer, take a moment to treasure my babies, light a candle and say a prayer for Shellie @Military_Mom 

And remember my baby girl in heaven

If the 8 Ball says it's true.... it's true!

Jayden has a friend. He's never had a "best friend" at school yet.

I think it's rather cute. Jayden goes over to his house for playdates, and I just learned a little from my husband about what those boys are up to on those playdates through a conversation that Gino had with Jayden.

We're nosey parents. We want know EVERYTHING, because that's just how we are.  We know that eventually we'll get to know nothing, and we can already see how Jayden is becoming secretive {not in a bad way}.... just not wanting to share the juicy details happenings of his day with his parents

Gino: Jayden, do you like any girls like Alexis?

Jayden: No dad!  Alexis broke up with me.

Gino: What about Hailey?

Jayden: No, Dad! Isaiah's in love with Hailey. We know this, because we shook the ball and asked if Isaiah was in love with Hailey and looked and it said yes.

Gino and I spent a while last night just sitting and talking about our kids. How crazy Ella is, how predictable Jayden is. How we think they will be as teens, and just all around a wonderful conversation. But this little nugget nestled in this conversation had us rolling!!!! Do you remember the days that you'd shake that magic 8 ball and anxiously await it's answer..... because you know, it's totally right!

A little edition of my kids say

I figured it was time for another little blog post about the things that my kids say.... the things that shock me and make me laugh and wonder WHERE DID THEY GET THAT FROM?!?!


Ella: The other night we were sitting down eating dinner and this little girl who just turned 2 in August told her dad "I don't have to." After he told her to eat her dinner. She said it with a little attitude on her face and Gino and I just looked at each other with this look like... Oh boy, we're in for it!


Jayden: This one was hilarious! Where he got this is beyond me!! We were pulling into the Walmart parking lot when we saw a cop pulling someone over. Jayden says very softly, "Oh no... there's a cop. Just drive slow and act natural!" Haha!!!!!

I can't even describe how much I love them

I have to say that this picture is probably one of the most breath taking pictures I've taken so far. And I say so far, because trust me - I plan to catch many, many more precious moments like these in these 2 crazy kids' lives.


I love how Jayden is with his little sister. I love how he's always there to help her out... and this picture just shows exactly how that is... he will always be there to help her up in life... I know it. And I love it.

The Run Down...

Ella has developed this high pitch squealing scream when she sees anything that's little girl related. Then following that scream is her saying, "Ella!" She's explaining to us all that since that is something that she loves it is Ella's. I love that. I love the excitement that comes squealing out of her. I just am absolutely head over heels in love with this precious little girl! 


 Today it has been 2 years and 12 days since we discovered that our little precious princess has a heart problem. 2 years and 12 days since we learned that life is so precious and that horrible, sad things can happen to you, and more sadly to our children. I am so happy to say that Ella has been off of her medication for over a month now without any signs of SVT. It's scary, but it's something that her doctor really wanted to test and we're listening to him. I don't think that Gino's on the same page as me on this... in fact I don't even think I'm on the same page as myself, but for some reason I feel strongly about listening to what he says.


She is just this little bundle of smarts that I'm almost not too sure on what to do with. For a little girl just turning 2 I get a little concerned at how much she knows. How much she soaks in. I need to make sure that I am doing every thing I can to make sure that her little mind is soaking things up.... and good things! She's already interested in colors, numbers, I feel like she's going to be reading by the time she's 3. I'm extremely proud of her.


Jayden has been adjusting well with his new class. It definitely does help that it is his old teacher. I'm going to start helping him with goals so that he can feel the excitement when he accomplishes that goal.


I'm currently working on my goals that I plan to accomplish this month, this year, and for the next 5 years. I think that my plan is to sit down with him and do this with him. Have him have his goals written out just like mom and we can get excited together and for each other.


Gino and I are getting more and more excited about the new direction we are taking our life. We both feel so fortunate to have been given an amazing opportunity that will not only change our lives, but our children's lives, and children's children's lives... FOREVER.


So, life has been busy... but in such a good way!  We are in the middle of building this amazing company and I can't even begin to describe how exciting and fun our new adventure is for us.